confusion

I'M SICK OF THIS!
i'm sick of myself.
i'm sick of always finding myself back in this place...

God is breaking through me but i don't like it. the devil is attacking me and it feels like i'm just letting him. i don't like that EVEN more. i hate this enemy that we have! it seems like he knows me so well and can mess with me without me even noticing.

i'm totally at a place of brokenness, where love and confusion collide. i feel God's love but then i don't. i feel like i'm faking it but then i don't. i can't do this on my own! GOD HELP ME!!! pick me up out of the miry clay and set my feet on a rock. i want a new song to sing. songs about your love and your forgiveness.

only You can save me.

CHANGE!

So I went to get an oil change today... The guy who owns the shop knows my mom, but that's really besides the point. The last time I went to get my oil change I invited him to Saddleback Church's Easter service. I have no idea if he went but I invited him. Both last time and this time I've talked with him about my faith and Christians and religion and war, etc.... There was something that he said that made me so sad and reminded me that that's what the world must think. OH! I remember! It was something along the lines of "Look at history. Nothing has changed and it won't change. There's nothing that you can do to change the world." or something along that nature. I told him that I believe that it can change with LOVE.

It's strange how we got on the topic to begin with. I was reading The Irresistible Revolution and he asked me if I was reading my bible. I told him no and showed him the book I was reading. He asked me what it was about and I told him that it's about this guy who followed Jesus and it messed up his life and that's how our conversation got started.

Anyways, as I was leaving he asked me to let him know how the story ends. I'm getting him a copy of The Irresistible Revolution for him to read himself.

I love how God does that. I prayed this morning that God would rearrange my schedule and he did. I was planning on getting an oil change but I certainly wasn't planning on staying for a good half hour to talk to this guy. Thanks God.

tunes: Open Wide.Future of Forestry

quotes from tIR pt2

"God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable... In my suburban comfort, I increasingly felt disturbed by God... my discomfort arose not from a cynical judgmentalism but from a longing for something more."

"The more I read the Scriptures, the more uncertain I became about my plans for the future, or even of the wisdom of making plans in the first place."

"People always want to define you by what you do. I want to be a lover of God and people... I was convinced that what we do is not really as important as who we are."

"Concern yourself with your vocation, and that is to be lovers of Jesus." - Mother Teresa

"It made sense to be single, and many of the people I had grown to admire had lived beautiful lives of singleness. And their lives would have been different had they been married (not bad, just different)."

"It was as if every good Christian should marry, and yet the more I looked at good Christians thoughout history, the less sure I was about that... Somehow I had missed the fact that singleness was a beautiful means of discipleship and that church history is filled with folks who followed God as singles - Jesus for one; many of the disciples and martyrs... What would Mother Teresa's life looked like had she been married?"

"I was attracted to God as lover. And then I began to experience God as lover, and quickly I became attracted to the Lover... Life is a romance with the divine."

"We can live without sex, but we cannot live without love, and God is love." - some Catholic monk

"I had come to see God as lover and provider and to desire a life of singleness and poverty."

"We've taken the blood at the foot of the cross and turned it into Kool-Aid." - Cornell West

"Totemism: the human tendancy to form our conception of God in our own image... take the values and traditions that we most admire about ourselves and project them onto a totem. Eventually, we stand in awe of that totem and end up worshiping an incarnation of the things we love about ourselves."

"God created us in his image, and we decided to return the favor." - George Bernard Shaw

"Buddy Jesus has become a white American resembling Mr. Rogers... I had grown very weary of this Jesus. THERE IS ANOTHER JESUS!... deconstruct the American totem, to take him (Jesus) off the totem pole we nailed him to."

"We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor. When the worlds of poverty and wealth collide, the resulting powerful fusion can change the world."

"I long for the Calcutta slums (or whatever your Calcutta slums are) to meet the Chicago suburbs (or your rich community) and for each to see God's image in the other."

"I truly believe that when the poor meet the rich, riches will have no meaning. And when the rich meet the poor, we will see poverty come to an end."


tunes: God of Justice (We Must Go).Tim Hughes

awesome quotes...

...from the Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

"It's among the wealthy that we can find the most terrible poverty of all - loneliness."

"... assured me that the Gospels were not just for Mother Teresa and St. Francis, and that the Sermon on the Mount is as meaningful today as it was two thousand years ago."

"You guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too...But I guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the things we like and ignore the rest."

"Jesus never says to the poor, 'Come find the church', but he says to those of us in the church, 'Go into the world and find the poor, hungry, homeless, imprisoned...I couldn't help but wonder if we had highlighted only some of the verses in our Bibles... I saw all of the thousands of people who were becoming believers and it brought me great joy. And yet I could not help but wonder with Dorthy Day, 'Have we even begun to be Christians?'"

"...ultimatly we will be seperated into two groups of people, sheep and goats, and the criteria will be how we cared for the poor, hungry, imprisoned, naked masses... will we be with the sheep?"

rich young ruler (found in Matt. 19:16-30): "He tells this highly educated and devoutly religious young man that he lacks o ne thing: giving up everything he owns to give to the poor." The mans face sinks as he walks away. "Jesus doesn't run after the man he simply lets the man choose his wealth...The great temptation is to compromise the cost of discipleship in order to draw a large crowd. We do not want to see anyone walk away from Jesus because of the discomfort of his cross...Jesus doesn't exclude rich people; he just lets them know their rebirth will cost them everything they have."

"Rather than accumilating stuff for oneself, followers of Jesus abandon everything, trusting God alone for providence."

"...the temptation we face is to compromise the cost of discipleship, and in the process, the Christian identity can get lost."

"And yet we can end up merely cheapening the very thingwe want folks to experience."

"Jesus warns people of the cost of discipleship... their biological families, their pocessions, even their lives... Jesus allows people to walk away."

"...the cross is not always seeker sensitive. It is not comfortable. But it is the cornerstone of our faith and I fear that when we remove the cross we remove the central symbol of the nonviolence and grace of our Lover. If we remove the cross we are in danger of promoting cheap grace. Perhaphs it should make us uncomfortable. After all, it wasn't so comfy to get nailed to it."

God is so F* awesome!!!!

HOLY CRAP! words cannot describe how great God is! I've been struggling with raising finances to go to Europe for a couple weeks this summer with my church recently. I keep hearing all these awesome stories about how people struggle the whole way through and at the very end an anonymous donation shows up. Well, I am officially one of those people!!!!!!! I "randomly" decided to check the PEACE website today just to check on my funds and someone anonymously donated $1500 to my account!!!! My hands are shaking so much right now. WOW! I knew God wanted to me to go on this trip but now I KNOW that God wants me to go on this trip. THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Now I just need $1000 more....

ramblings...

i just want to write i don't why. i had a thought in my head that i wanted to write about but now i can't remember. :/

God is good. i feel so much joy right now! it's been a journey to get to this place though. about a week or so ago i couldn't tell you that i believed that God is good or that i felt any joy at all in my life. i was just kind of feeling numb inside. i was listening to worship music in my car just because i thought that would help. it didn't. i was "faking it till i made it". God did show up though, he always does. He awakened my heart so slowly. i was listening to Phil Wickham in my car when all of a sudden i had this overwhelming feeling of God's love. and that's a hard one for me because this is ALWAYS something that i've struggled with. i was just so filled though! it was crazy, i don't really know how else to describe it. ever since then it's been this slow process... i get this visual picture of something frozen becoming unfrozen. for some reason though i'm afraid to grasp it to it's fullest, i always have been. it's just so hard to be different. i have this crazy idea in my head that if i act any differently towards my friends, more excited, they'll ask me why. not that that's a bad thing but i guess i feel like i'd have to keep it up so it's easier to just be unexcited about life that way there's no expectations for being the other. i don't know why my mind thinks this way, it's sick. now i just need to learn to take this joy from joy to undignified for Jesus and what he's done for me. all week this week i've been reading Hebrews and the chapters that i've been reading are all about Jesus' sacrifice for me. i mean if that's not the source of your joy i don't know where else it comes from!

joy, joy, joy... something that God's been trying to awaken in me and make me realize for the longest time. i don't want to let it go! that's the beauty of joy is that 1) the source is God, there's NOTHING that i can do to get rid of my joy 2) joy is NOT based on our circumstances! it's always there! so great!

it's funny because this joy that i have has exploded into all areas of my life too. in my work, with my friends (even though i try to hide it - crazy, i know), especially with God in my quiet times. another thing that God's been trying to teach me is that even though today isn't exactly what i thought it would be it's today and it's all i have. i can't really look to the future because it's not promised to me. i have a job to glorify God in all that i do TODAY and that's it! i try to wake up everyday and thank God for the opportunity to live one more day for him. being thankful, it's HUGE. another thing that i'm learning about. i realize and see a huge difference in my actions, my attitude towards life and everything else when i'm thankful. it's all about the little things. God is so good. i can't help it. i want to shout it at the top of my lungs for the rest of my life.

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation" Psalm 51:12a

"...our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete." 1 John 1:3-4

call to action:

God of justice

Savior to all

Came to rescue

the weak and the poor

Chose to serve

and not be served

Jesus, you have called us

Freely we've received now

Freely we will give

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

To act justly 

Everyday

Loving mercy 

In every way

Walking humbly 

Before you God

You have shown us

What you require

Freely we've received now

Freely we will give

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

Fill us up, send us out

Fill us up, send us out

Fill us up, send us out Lord

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

God of Justice.Tim Hughes

music: come thou fount.david crowder band

our Savior lives!!!

I was reading in Hebrews earlier today the most amazing and hope-filled passages i've read in a while. God is good.

And what we have said is even more clear if another priest like Melchizedek appears, one who has become a priest not on the basis of a regulation as to his ancestry but on the basis of the power of an indestructible life. For it is declared:

"You are a priest forever,

in the order of Melchizedek." (Psalm 110:4)

The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God. And it was not without an oath! Others became priests without an oath, but he became a priest with an oath when God said to him:

"The Lord has sworn

and will not change his mind:

'You are a priest forever'." (Pslam 110:4)

Because of this oath, Jesus has become the guarantor of a better covenant. Now there have been many of those priests, since death prevented them from continuing in office; but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he lives to intercede for them. Such a high priest truly meets our need - one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself. For the law appoints as high priests men in all their weakness; but the oath, which came after the law, appointed the Son, who has been made perfect forever.   Hebrews 7:15-28

my heart hurts

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I'll be the first to admit that I've been sucking at this lately and now I'm suffering the consequences. God I need you to come and heal my heart! Put the pieces back together and make my heart whole. I'm so sorry that I was so focused on a someone that I forgot about you and how much you love me. Make me whole again! In Jesus precious name AMEN!

Lord it was You who

created the heavens

Lord it was your hands 

that put the stars in their place

Even oceans and their waves

will bow at Your feet

Lord who am I compared to Your glory, O Lord

Lord who am I compared to Your majesty

I am Your beloved

Your creation

and You love me as I am

You have called me chosen

for Your kingdom

unashamed to call me Your own

I am Your beloved

music: everything glorious.david crowder band

dive into the past

well, i'm not quite there yet but i'm getting myself prepared (as much as possible) for the painful, hard, thoughtful journey that i'm headed.

you see the last few weeks God's been gently nudging me to dive into the depths of my past. i'm scared but i know that it's needed for me to be the woman that God created me to be. i need to be honest about what really happened to me and start confessing to trusted friends so "i will be healed." James 5:16 

i met with someone yesterday and it was confirmation into this journey if ever there was confirmation. i remember her telling me that every single day i carry around the burden of my past and it's starting to effect the way that i see myself and how i relate to God. not good.

here's a bit of honesty for you.... right now i'm not too thrilled with God. i don't really feel his love (even though it's all around me) and i'm bitter because i feel like he's not helping me out here on this earth. wow, that felt nice. i reread that and i think about how sick i really am. i honestly believed that i had it all together but it's starting to look like i'm more messed up then anyone i know. 

anyways, here's to confession and really starting to practice boasting in my weakness! (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

feelings

huh, i just realized that the last entry was titled thoughts. normally as a female you'd think that the feelings would come first... INTERESTING.

anyways, i went to worship last night and i didn't feel a thing. i sang but with no conviction. i closed my eyes but just to be by myself.

i've been in a state of numbness for a while now and i finally realized it, i think that's a good sign. i feel my heart awakening as i type this - PRAISE GOD! let's hope this lasts.

thoughts

this could be dangerous...

i feel like God's been doing A LOT in my life lately even thought i'm not sure what it is yet. there's been a lot of God calling me to change something about myself and then me pulling it back from his hands. i think i'm getting better at letting go, i'm just not there all the way -- it's a genuine struggle. 

i don't know, i look to the future as this BIG, black hole. it's scary and dark and i'm not sure where to step. i just keep praying that God will light the way and guide me in the direction that he wants me to go. although i know the importance of action too. there's always a balance... i think that's another thing that God's trying to teach me - when is it ok to take action vs. waiting patiently on the Lord? 

there's nothing wrong with having questions like that as long as we keep focused on the Lord. i don't want doubts or big questions like that to plague me and think differently about my Savior. i'm learning more and more his promises and i'm asking him to make them a reality in my life. we shall see what that looks like.

another thing: boasting in our weakness. this is something that i need to refine. i'm weak! we're ALL weak! we just need to admit our weaknesses and embrace them because then and only then can God show his power in our lives. how can God's glory be revealed if  we're not willing to admit that we had no power over what happened? and all God wants is glory - no big deal right? our humanness wants to claim it as our own though. that's the problem. God is bigger then anything that we could ask or imagine so obviously we don't have the power to make something we can't even imagine happen! CRAZY! 

i guess im trying to wrap my puny mind around this BIG God that i serve and that will never happen this side of heaven (and i'm not sure i'll even understand him entirely in heaven either). i guess all of my questions will have to wait. all i know is that God is bigger then me and he's got everything taken care of. it's just hard to remember that in the midst of what i call chaos.

tunes: from the inside out by hillsong

skid row pt.2

My heart is sooo full I don't know what to do!

I just got home from Set Free Church in Skid Row, from the most amazing morning ever!

Set Free Church holds a women's conference every 2 months and last time I went to visit, Rhonda, the pastor's wife, asked if we would come out. Well, God is awesome and let me and 2 friends come out for the morning. When we arrived we were greeted with hugs and smiles - I was home! :) I talked to Rhonda and told her that we were there for them. 

The morning started out with worship from this amazing family from New Zealand (I think?? I can't remember anymore). After the worship, there was a time of testimonies; it's so awesome to hear how God is working in other people's lives. After the testimonies was a beautiful and powerful message of hope and a challenge to get ready for the bridegroom because He's coming! I spent the morning sitting with a sister in Christ, Tina. I met her the first time I went out to Skid Row and it was such a blessing to see her again. God is doing amazing things in her life and in her family. I can't wait to hear what else God is going to do. 

Anyways, I could write and write and write about all of the people that I've come in contact with in the 3 times that I've gone up but I don't even know how to put the stories into words. All I know is that my heart is so filled right now! God is sooo good! Going up and serving in Skid Row does something to me - it awakens my heart, it makes me want to be homeless too! All I want to do is be in community with these people all day long! This is where Jesus is and I want to be where Jesus is. 

I close my eyes and I see all of their beautiful faces. They KNOW the grace of God. They KNOW what it means to be forgiven. They KNOW Jesus and it's beautiful.

James 2:5... "Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?"

music: You Said  Darlene Zschech & Hillsong

beautiful words

wounded and forsaken

i was shattered by the fall

broken and forgotten

feeling lost and all alone

summoned by the King

into the Master's courts

lifted by the Savior

and cradled in His arms

i was carried to the table

seated where i don't belong

carried to the table

swept away by His love

and i don't see my brokenness anymore

when i'm seated at the table of the Lord

i'm carried to the table

the table of the Lord

fighting thoughts of fear

and wondering why He called my name

and i good enough to share this cup

this world has left me lame

even in my weakness

the Savior called my name

in His holy presence

i'm healed and unashamed

i'm carried to the table

seated where i don't belong

i'm carried to the table

swept away by His love

and i don't see my brokenness anymore

when i'm seated at the table of the Lord

i'm carried to the table

the table of the Lord

you carried me my God

you carried me

you carried me my God

you carried me....

these are beautiful words that are saturated in truth. sometimes God has to carry us to His table because we don't think that we're good enough. He's made us good enough!!! 

God has to fight through all the lies that the devil has us believing to bring us where we belong.

I'm so thankful that God doesn't give up and that he has the stamina of a mighty army to come and gather me up out of my brokenness and place me on firm ground.

God let me see myself like you see me.

skid row...

(not the band) ...is my home. 

i went to LA this past weekend with some people from church for an experiment of sorts. no cell phone, no money, no packing, just the clothes on our back and the stuff that was provided for us. we slept on the floor of the church on skid row and lived in community for 48 hours. when you've tasted what REAL community is supposed to be (Acts 2:42-47)  it's unpleasant to come back to life as i know it. 

while i was there in LA i met this guy. (just thinking about him makes me tear up). when i met him he was demon possessed and his heart was bitter. i talked to him for at least 2 hours and his whole demeanor was different at the end. he's been through more stuff then most people could imagine. i just keep praying the he seeks God and God reveals himself to this guy. i know that he would do amazing things for God if that was his focus. all i want to do is hold him and tell him that God loves him sooooo much! talk about my heart feeling broken!

this experience really makes me feel discontent with my life. i feel like i want to push all the walls down that are holding me in and run for my life, i just don't know in what direction. 

God what do i do with this heart that you've given me?

?

i never knew so much snot could come out of a person. 

my nose hurts. :(