ramblings...

i just want to write i don't why. i had a thought in my head that i wanted to write about but now i can't remember. :/

God is good. i feel so much joy right now! it's been a journey to get to this place though. about a week or so ago i couldn't tell you that i believed that God is good or that i felt any joy at all in my life. i was just kind of feeling numb inside. i was listening to worship music in my car just because i thought that would help. it didn't. i was "faking it till i made it". God did show up though, he always does. He awakened my heart so slowly. i was listening to Phil Wickham in my car when all of a sudden i had this overwhelming feeling of God's love. and that's a hard one for me because this is ALWAYS something that i've struggled with. i was just so filled though! it was crazy, i don't really know how else to describe it. ever since then it's been this slow process... i get this visual picture of something frozen becoming unfrozen. for some reason though i'm afraid to grasp it to it's fullest, i always have been. it's just so hard to be different. i have this crazy idea in my head that if i act any differently towards my friends, more excited, they'll ask me why. not that that's a bad thing but i guess i feel like i'd have to keep it up so it's easier to just be unexcited about life that way there's no expectations for being the other. i don't know why my mind thinks this way, it's sick. now i just need to learn to take this joy from joy to undignified for Jesus and what he's done for me. all week this week i've been reading Hebrews and the chapters that i've been reading are all about Jesus' sacrifice for me. i mean if that's not the source of your joy i don't know where else it comes from!

joy, joy, joy... something that God's been trying to awaken in me and make me realize for the longest time. i don't want to let it go! that's the beauty of joy is that 1) the source is God, there's NOTHING that i can do to get rid of my joy 2) joy is NOT based on our circumstances! it's always there! so great!

it's funny because this joy that i have has exploded into all areas of my life too. in my work, with my friends (even though i try to hide it - crazy, i know), especially with God in my quiet times. another thing that God's been trying to teach me is that even though today isn't exactly what i thought it would be it's today and it's all i have. i can't really look to the future because it's not promised to me. i have a job to glorify God in all that i do TODAY and that's it! i try to wake up everyday and thank God for the opportunity to live one more day for him. being thankful, it's HUGE. another thing that i'm learning about. i realize and see a huge difference in my actions, my attitude towards life and everything else when i'm thankful. it's all about the little things. God is so good. i can't help it. i want to shout it at the top of my lungs for the rest of my life.

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation" Psalm 51:12a

"...our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete." 1 John 1:3-4