dive into the past

well, i'm not quite there yet but i'm getting myself prepared (as much as possible) for the painful, hard, thoughtful journey that i'm headed.

you see the last few weeks God's been gently nudging me to dive into the depths of my past. i'm scared but i know that it's needed for me to be the woman that God created me to be. i need to be honest about what really happened to me and start confessing to trusted friends so "i will be healed." James 5:16 

i met with someone yesterday and it was confirmation into this journey if ever there was confirmation. i remember her telling me that every single day i carry around the burden of my past and it's starting to effect the way that i see myself and how i relate to God. not good.

here's a bit of honesty for you.... right now i'm not too thrilled with God. i don't really feel his love (even though it's all around me) and i'm bitter because i feel like he's not helping me out here on this earth. wow, that felt nice. i reread that and i think about how sick i really am. i honestly believed that i had it all together but it's starting to look like i'm more messed up then anyone i know. 

anyways, here's to confession and really starting to practice boasting in my weakness! (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

feelings

huh, i just realized that the last entry was titled thoughts. normally as a female you'd think that the feelings would come first... INTERESTING.

anyways, i went to worship last night and i didn't feel a thing. i sang but with no conviction. i closed my eyes but just to be by myself.

i've been in a state of numbness for a while now and i finally realized it, i think that's a good sign. i feel my heart awakening as i type this - PRAISE GOD! let's hope this lasts.

thoughts

this could be dangerous...

i feel like God's been doing A LOT in my life lately even thought i'm not sure what it is yet. there's been a lot of God calling me to change something about myself and then me pulling it back from his hands. i think i'm getting better at letting go, i'm just not there all the way -- it's a genuine struggle. 

i don't know, i look to the future as this BIG, black hole. it's scary and dark and i'm not sure where to step. i just keep praying that God will light the way and guide me in the direction that he wants me to go. although i know the importance of action too. there's always a balance... i think that's another thing that God's trying to teach me - when is it ok to take action vs. waiting patiently on the Lord? 

there's nothing wrong with having questions like that as long as we keep focused on the Lord. i don't want doubts or big questions like that to plague me and think differently about my Savior. i'm learning more and more his promises and i'm asking him to make them a reality in my life. we shall see what that looks like.

another thing: boasting in our weakness. this is something that i need to refine. i'm weak! we're ALL weak! we just need to admit our weaknesses and embrace them because then and only then can God show his power in our lives. how can God's glory be revealed if  we're not willing to admit that we had no power over what happened? and all God wants is glory - no big deal right? our humanness wants to claim it as our own though. that's the problem. God is bigger then anything that we could ask or imagine so obviously we don't have the power to make something we can't even imagine happen! CRAZY! 

i guess im trying to wrap my puny mind around this BIG God that i serve and that will never happen this side of heaven (and i'm not sure i'll even understand him entirely in heaven either). i guess all of my questions will have to wait. all i know is that God is bigger then me and he's got everything taken care of. it's just hard to remember that in the midst of what i call chaos.

tunes: from the inside out by hillsong