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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

bummed

i've been planning for over a week now to go to the snow this weekend with some friends. the only problem was that i needed to come home early for a friend's wedding. turns out that there's no one who's coming back down the mountain that i can get a ride with...

no more snow for me :(

i know it's a lame thing to be upset about but i am.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

3 days...

Christmas is in 3 days and it still hasn't hit me yet. The last few years or so have all been the same. I don't really look forward to Christmas at all anymore. I don't want to label myself as a scrooge but that's the only word I can think of.


Here's the deal... Christmas is a family holiday. I have a family just like everyone else but it's not the family that most people would think of. It's my church family. All of those people have blood families to celebrate Christmas with and I feel alone. So this year I'm not really doing Christmas in the standard sense, I'm going out and serving instead. My dad and my brother are going up to visit my grandma and I'm thinking of visiting my mom's side of the family for a little bit. I'm a little scared though because I haven't talked to most of them in a few years (long story). This should be an interesting holiday season.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

creation

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." Psalm 19:1


I've been in awe of how clear and beautiful the sky has been since the rain on Saturday. 
God is good.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

today

i'm at a loss for words.... i learned more about myself and about God today then i have in a while. 


Friday, December 7, 2007

more tears

i realized that there was a least one more time in the past week that i have teared up/cried.

back story: a friend of mine bought me a christmas cd and i've been listening to it almost non-stop for a week. there's this one song on there that makes me tear up almost every time.

"And with this Christmas wish is missed
the point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know
how much You've touched my life because

Here is where You're finding me
in the exact same place as New Year's Eve
And from the lack of my persistency
we're less than half as close as I wanna be

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left Your lips
did You know that it would change this world forever?

And so this Christmas I'll compare
the things I've felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear
That you have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
And hope that, that You give
That You were born so I might really live
To look back and think that
this baby would one day save me

The first time that You opened Your eyes
did You realize that You would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left Your lips
do You know that it would change this world forever?

And I, I celebrate the day that You were born to die
so I could one day pray for You to save my life
Pray for you to save my life
Pray for you to save my life"

remember to celebrate the REAL reason for Christmas this season!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

miscellaneous

WOW! first of all i'm impressed that i actually spelled the word miscellaneous correctly (twice now!) without using spell check! amazing!


moving on...
first of it's been a week and one day since i've blogged. honestly that's not that long for some people. for me, it's like an eternity! i have a few excuses but here's the best one: one of my friend's was using my computer to check his email account among other things. the next day when i got on my computer to blog i wasn't logged in. i spent way too much time trying to log in and then i ran out of time. :(  i know, since then i haven't had a ton of time. i've also discovered the correct email and password that i used to sign up for blogger and i wrote it down so this will not happen again. I HOPE. 

i've been thinking a lot lately and because i haven't had the means to blog about it, it's been dangerous. i've officially decided that #1 i spend too much time thinking about what i'm going to blog about and #2 i spend too much time trying to remember information that i've carelessly forgotten.

with that, i've decided that at the end of each blog i will add a section about things that have made me cry. that may sound strange to you  but my friends will tell you that i cry a lot - mostly about God stuff so that's ok but still, it's embarrassing. it's also important to remember the things that God is doing in my life. wow, i feel as if what i've just written does not make any sense but i'm sticking with it. so with all that here's the new section that i've been thinking about for the last week and one day...

things that have made me cry this week:
(remember, it's been over a week so this may be a LONG list)
#1 i cried last thursday at CRAVE. brad was talking about the injustices in the world and what we're going to do about them. after the messege, stearns lead us in some awesome worship. the band played Hosanna by Hillsong (i LOVE that song!). I lost it! tears started streaming down my face. as i'm writing this i'm tearing up. :) 

"...I see a generation
rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
with selfless faith

I see a near revival                          (this is where i lose it everytime)
stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
we're on our knees...

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity..."

#2 this one involves some back story. i'm not in the greatest of financial situations right now and about a week and a half ago my dad transfered $100 into my account. i actually told him that i didn't want the money but he did it anyway. when i found out that he transfered that money i started to ask God what he wanted me to do with the money. i didn't get an answer. fast-forward to CRAVE last week. it was the big reveal for the PEACE trips that we're taking this summer. i've been hesitating about it because of the money even thought i know that's one of the dumbest reasons for not going. in the back of my mind i was thinking that it would be cool to go to Europe (it's been on my heart since i got home from Egypt - 4 months ago). well, i didn't really think anything of it. the next day i was driving to work at, 6:45 in the morning!, utterly amazed at God's beautiful sunrise through the clouds. as i was driving this thought hit me: the deposit for the trip is $100 and my dad just gave me $100. coincidence?! i don't think so. i very clearly heard God say to me "That's what I want you to do with the money." I teared up a little.

#3 this one was friday night, i cried A LOT last weekend apparently! after work i headed over to this music/art/movie extravaganza that was at my church. you see we were raising awareness for the youth at our church to be informed about HIV/AIDS. world vision was there with this interactive experience. you go in and they give you an ipod but instead of music it's this recording of a story. there's four. each one is a true story about a child in Africa who's infected or been affected by AIDS. as i'm walking through i'm taking in the story, the pictures, everything but i'm getting frustrated with myself, i was feeling no compassion. it wasn't hitting me like i thought it would. it was even to the point where i was trying to make myself cry so i could feel. it wasn't working. i get to the end where i'm in the clinic about to find out if "i" have AIDS and even still i really didn't care but I WANTED TO! turns out this girl (me) has AIDS, even still there was no emotion. after all that the narrator tells you to step through the doors into the "church".  the church is this room filled with pictures of faces - people who have died of AIDS. all of a sudden the tears just started pouring down my face (like they're about to right now). oh those faces! i will never forget them.

as much as i get embarrassed for crying "all the time" i know that it's a gift. it's my way of expressing things. i've noticed as i've been rethinking all of these instances that even though they happened a week ago i still get a little teary now. these experiences will never leave me.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

calling authentic Christians!

"...seekers have little respect for weak Christians. Deep down they're looking for somebody -- anybody -- to step up and proclaim the truth and then to live it boldly. And I've just got to ask, why can't that be you and me? Why can't we live authentically and boldly on our job sites, in our neighborhoods, at our schools, and in our world? What are we so afraid of? What's holding us back? We have the Holy Spirit, we have the Word of God, and we have the church.


We want to be contagious Christians, don't we? Then let's be real with people. Let's manifest an authentic identity and not be more or less than God made us to be. Let's be emotionally authentic and grapple with whatever life throws at us. Let's humbly admit errors when we make them. 

And let's boldly stand up for what we believe. Let's declare it and live it out, without apology." - Bill Hybles Becoming A Contagious Christian

God, grant me a spirit of power, of love and of self-disciple (2 Tim. 1:7)

Monday, November 26, 2007

ps

here's a brain tickler for you...

"As you manifest your uniqueness, you'll become a compelling model that will attract others to your source of personal freedom."

also,
If you want to know the energy of God (i.e., the resurrection life of Jesus) in your mortal flesh, you must brood on the tragedy of God. Cut yourself off from prying personal interest in your own spiritual symptoms and consider bare-spirited the tragedy of God, and instantly the energy of God will be in you. "Look unto Me," pay attention to the objective source and the subjective energy will be there. We lose power if we do not concentrate on the right thing. The effect of the Cross is salvation, sanctification, healing, etc., but we are not to preach any of these, we are to preach Jesus Christ and Him crucified. The proclaiming of Jesus will do its own work. Concentrate on God's center in your preaching, and though your crowd may apparently pay no attention, they can never be the same again. If I talk my own talk, it is of no more importance to you than your talk is to me; but if I talk the truth of God, you will meet it again and so will I. We have to concentrate on the great point of spiritual energy -- the Cross, to keep in contact with that center where all the power lies, and the energy will be let loose. In holiness movements and spiritual experience meetings the concentration is apt to be put not on the Cross of Christ, but on the effects of the Cross. 
The feebleness of the churches is being criticized today, and the criticism is justified. One reason for the feebleness is that there has not been this concentration of spiritual energy; we have not brooded enough on the tragedy of Calvary or on the meaning of Redemption. 
- Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest (Nov. 26th)

I've read and reread this over a few times today and I'm still having a hard time comprehending it. So far, what I've gotten out of it is two-fold. One, it points me back to God's gentle reminder of salvation and joy. Two, it reminds me of Pastor Rick's message from this weekend. Point them to the Cross and to Jesus - that's it!

"dysfunctional" family?

last night after church a few friends of mine decided to cook dinner together and eat like a family. it was fun. honestly, i don't know when the last time was that i had a family dinner.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

contentment

i looked up this word (actually content) on dictionary.com and this is what it said: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else. let's break it down...


"satisfied with what one is" - no
i'm 23 years old. i haven't graduated from college and i'm not sure when that will happen. i'm working daycare basically and i can't afford to live on my own.

"or has" - not really
i'm financially drowning.

"not wanting more or anything else" - nope
i DO want more! not like more money (well, kind of). i just want more of life!

sometimes i wish i could pick up my life and move it somewhere else. i wish i had new friends, a new job... a new life. but then i think about the reality and that "dream" quickly dies. i think about how hard it would be to pick up and move somewhere new. how hard it would be to make new friend and how i don't think that i could do it. but something's just not right here. 

after all this thought i'm quickly reminded of a little verse in Hebrews. 
"be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'"    CONVICTION!

God, what do i do?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

bronchitis among other things

i'm not doctor but i've diagnosed myself with bronchitis. WHY? well, because 1) i've had it before and i know the symptoms and 2) because i've been sick for A WEEK! now coughing (more like hacking my lungs out). sad day.


here's the other things.
this past weekend was a blast! here's a quick update...

FRIday: worked, worked, worked ALL DAY until about 10pm. after work my friend earl and i met up with some other friends. we were trying to decide what we were going to do so we made cookies (which i've already blogged about -- previous blog). that was a late night.

SATURday: i slept in! :) i lounged around all day (remember that i'm sick), i took a bath and i read. i didn't get up and get ready until about 5pm. my friend ashley was having a birthday celebration. i met up with some friends at BJs around 6pm and they all ate. after BJs was when the real party began! we went to pump it up. i was SO excited to go and just act like a kid for a few hours. IT WAS AMAZING!!! i almost gave myself a black eye and we had some other injuries but it was totally worth it. after pump it up a bunch of us headed back to ashley's for a little chocolate fountain, s'mores, bonfire, and movie extravaganza. i didn't get home until 3am or so. 

SUNday: i woke up with the sorest throat and the stuffiest nose ever. i definitely overdid myself at pump it up the night before. but again, it was so worth it! sunday was another lazy day. i stayed in bed all day trying to rest. i got up and got ready around 5:30pm so i could get to church on time. i met up with my friend christie and after church we went to dinner. i love christie! we talked until about midnight, i had a blast! don't get me wrong, i tried being responsible with the time but it just wasn't working out in my favor. i probably didn't get to sleep until 1am and i had work the next morning. :(

over all a good weekend. i'd do (most of) it over again.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

random

some friends of mine made sugar cookies last night. SO FUN! it's the second time in my life that i've made sugar cookies and the first time was when i was in elementary school and i mixed up the sugar and the salt... you can guess that those cookies didn't taste very good! :)

i didn't know this about myself until last night but i enjoy making cookies but i especially like decorating them. the problem is that i'm kind of a perfectionist though so i would take me forever to decorate 50 cookies. anyways, we were up until at least 2am making and decorating cookies! 

when i got home from my friend's last night i was having a little trouble falling asleep. i was thinking about how i really like sounds. i know, weird right? what i mean is this... EX: i live with a friend right now in the bedroom above the garage. i can hear when she leaves or when she comes home without even having to get out of bed. even when i was little i used to listen for the creaks in the stairs when someone was coming up. i got pretty good at figuring out who was coming up the stairs even by the different creaks that were made. it's so strange but i love it! i just love to listen and i can image what's really going on downstairs.... the door opening, footsteps, light switches, refrigerator doors opening and closing, keys, stair creaks. LOVE IT!

and here's something completely random. i was having my quiet time with God this morning and i read this quote that i really liked. 

"In your own unique way you reflect the beauty, mystery, wonder, and creativity of your Maker."

it's really hard for me to comprehend this sometimes. I, me?, reflect God in my own unique way?! CRAZY! i know, i hear it all the time at church, God created each one of us differently and since He created us in His image we're all part of the character of God. but there's a HUGE difference from knowing it in my brain to actually believing it and knowing it in my heart. the Truth gets stuck on it's journey from my mind to my heart. i was gonna say i don't know why but the truth is i do know why. we have an enemy, the devil, who likes to block the truth. he's pretty good at what he does.

God, this is my prayer, the there's no blockage anymore. i want the truth, YOUR TRUTH to flow freely from my mind to my heart and back up if it needs to! AMEN!

...ps - welcome to my brain.

Friday, November 16, 2007

a couple things

#1  sweet quote: "...we must do our part; we must so live the life of Christ that we transform our culture - not merely impact it."


#2  sweet bible verses: "Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with and inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:8-9

"...restore unto me the joy of my salvation." Psalm 51:12

God keeps showing my the connection between joy and salvation. You can't have one without the other.

reason why God's cool... #2

i was emailing some peeps earlier today and as i was writing a song called Consuming Fire stared to play on my iTunes. i wrote the lyrics in the email that i was sending off and didn't think much of it until later. i was at CRAVE (the college ministry at Saddleback Church) and we were singing when all of a sudden the worship band starts to play Consuming Fire. God's cool.

Monday, November 12, 2007

prayer

"i wish i had want i needed

to be on my own
cuz' i feel so defeated
and i'm feeling alone

and it all seems so helpless
and i have no plans
i'm a plane in the sunset
with nowhere to land

and all i see
it could never make me happy
and all my sand castles
spend their time collapsing

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
let that be enough

it's my birthday tomorrow
no one here could know
i was born this thursday
22 years ago

and i feel stuck
watching history repeating
yeah, who am i?
just a kid who knows he's needy

let me know that You hear me
let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me
let that be enough" - Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot

this is my prayer... 

Saturday, November 10, 2007

frustration

so i just spent more time then i'm willing to admit trying to add links to my blog... it only added some. LAME.

reason why God's cool... #1

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat... Is not life more important than food..." Matthew 6:25


so God's cool. here's one reason why...
yesterday i was trying to figure out what i was going to eat for $1.75. i thought of a few places with dollar menus and decided to drive in that general direction. as i was driving i was spacing out and missed where i was supposed to turn. i kept driving and i ended up at a Wendy's. so i'm waiting in line trying to figure out what i'm going to order. i get up to the counter and decide to order a salad. the guy goes and gets my salad and hands me the bag. i ask him how much it is. he told me, "It's a gift."

i didn't have to pay! yeah, it wasn't going to cost much anyway but still! and he said it was a GIFT! who says that! God was totally watching over me, directing me to Wendy's so He could bless me a with a free salad. that's why God's cool. He says it in his word (Mt. 6:25) that He feeds the birds so He'll feed us and i've kinda been waiting for him to feed me. He did. 

anyways, that may not be cool to anyone else but i know that it was God.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

friends

i like them. 
most of the time.

i need God's help with one in particular right now. 
for the condition of my own heart i need to talk to her. 
i feel like she's avoiding me. 
i keep praying about it and i'll continue to do so but a conversation needs to be had, SOON.
i can't be around her. i'm cynical and judgmental and i don't like it.
God help me!


Monday, November 5, 2007

sad day...

i went to the ducks game tonight.

they lost....













...and hard! :(

Friday, November 2, 2007

consistency

ok so i've been doing a lot of reading lately. as i was reading earlier today i stumbled upon this lovely tidbit...


"In just a few chapters this book will come to a close. One of its important messages is that you can still believe God for something dramatic and something miraculous. Bt in between dramatic revelations, what's a believer to do? The day-in, day-out fundamentals, that's what.

Prayer. A daily time in God's Word. Praise and worship. Attending church. Serving a church body. Giving. These are the fundamentals, and they'll never change. We can make all the excuses in the world for not practicing this one or that, but they represent the backbone of obedience. We often want the mystical while God often insists on the practical. We may want a constant dose of dramatics, but God enjoys seeing the perseverance and proven faithfulness of simple daily devotion. Sometimes the greatest proof of God's miraculous power is when an attention-deficit seeker of instant-gratification denies himself, takes up his cross, and follows Christ... for the long haul....

Sometimes we lay a crucial request before God, perhaps a life-and-death matter, and we want something fast and spectacular. Instead, God often directs us to keep walking around that Jericho day after day, repeating the same old fundamental steps while nothing seems to happen. Oh, it will. We must never stop believing it will. But in the meantime, we've got to keep walking and keep circling no matter how many times we've done it before and no matter how many times we're yet to do it.

G.K. Chesterson wrote of a God who "strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun, and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never gotten tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old."

Ours is a God who delights in a perfect concoction of creativity and order. Though He could have thought the entire cosmos into existence in a millisecond, instead He brought it about with great patience in six distinct increments. 
Then rested on the seventh.
Then later insisted that His children do the same.

God likes order. He like repetition. A God of fundamentals, He brings up the sun every morning and the moon every evening, but His creativity within that order is gorgeously displayed in the changing sunsets and sunrises surrounding them. The same is true for us. Faithfulness in out Christian walk requires order, some black-and-white fundamentals, but within that order is glorious room for color and creativity.

I have lived to much of my life in defeat to risk living in the gray zone. A long time ago I had to quit giving myself the option of whether or not to rise for prayer, spend time in the Word that day, or attend and serve my church consistently. These fundamentals are part of my life. They are His will, and to do otherwise -- no matter how I'd label it -- is disobedience. 

Within those fundamentals God gives me lots of leash to exercise my need for passion and drama. Though my morning almost always begins at the same table and chairs, it might end out in the yard under the morning stars or, better yet, on a walk. On a rare Saturday at home, I may have prayer time still tucked in my soft bed. Other times the beach is the perfect place, I take that back. Keep the beach and give me the mountains. My point is: I get up daily with the morning, but the sunrise surrounding my time with God could be any number of colors. Sometimes I jump up and down; sometimes I bow down, and sometimes I go prostrate to the ground. Sometimes I pray Scripture. Other times I pray moans and groans. But pray, I must. It's God's will even when I can't tell if it's changing a thing.

Though I may practice these disciplines in various ways, I do them virtually every day. Why? Because God seems to like them. Picture God nudging you and me awake before down because He can hardly wait to be with us. Then as we make our sleepy way to the usual meeting place, imagine Him saying something rather like Chesterson suggested. "Do it again, Child!"

Sometimes I feel like the phrases I habitually use in prayer and the topics I'm most burdened to teach are surely getting old to God. In reality, as long as He sees a genuine heart, He never gets tired of the same old words and practices the flow from it. "Say it again, Child! One more time!" God's mercies have existed through all of eternity, yet Scripture tells us they are new every morning. You see, a new day with all its fresh challenges gives an old practice new life. 

Day-in and day-out, the fundamentals are the way I march repeatedly around my Jerichos. 
Unlike Joshua and the Israelites, I never know when my present Jericho is going to fall. I just know that I'm to keep believing and keep marching. When the time is complete, the wall is going to collapse. When the Israelites marched around Jericho, their seventh trip around on the seventh day could not have seemed any different from the rest, with the exception that they were wearier. Why did God purpose for the wall to fall that particular round? Simply because it was time.

Beloved, God is not tired. Nor is God tired of you. He delights in your attentions even when you practice them much like you did yesterday. He waits for you to awaken, and he anticipates His time with you. When you or I ignore Him, He is disappointed. Somehow in His self-existent essence and omniscience, His foreknowledge does not cheat Him of reactive emotion. He laughs when you delight in Him. He listens when you speak to Him. he honors you when you persevere with Him. In all the changes He is making within you and me, He rejoices in the few things that call for blessed sameness. 

Let's stay faithful, you and I. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Gal. 6:9)"

it makes me think a lot differently about my quiet time. it also makes me think back to something that i heard a few weeks ago... sometimes we just need to do "it" (spend time reading the Word, worshiping, serving) out of obedience. it's our faith that is growing even if we're not getting anything out of it.
 

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

#1

so i thought i'd try something new... a blog. 

it's been a while. 
we'll see how long this lasts.