bummed

i've been planning for over a week now to go to the snow this weekend with some friends. the only problem was that i needed to come home early for a friend's wedding. turns out that there's no one who's coming back down the mountain that i can get a ride with...

no more snow for me :(

i know it's a lame thing to be upset about but i am.

3 days...

Christmas is in 3 days and it still hasn't hit me yet. The last few years or so have all been the same. I don't really look forward to Christmas at all anymore. I don't want to label myself as a scrooge but that's the only word I can think of.

Here's the deal... Christmas is a family holiday. I have a family just like everyone else but it's not the family that most people would think of. It's my church family. All of those people have blood families to celebrate Christmas with and I feel alone. So this year I'm not really doing Christmas in the standard sense, I'm going out and serving instead. My dad and my brother are going up to visit my grandma and I'm thinking of visiting my mom's side of the family for a little bit. I'm a little scared though because I haven't talked to most of them in a few years (long story). This should be an interesting holiday season.

creation

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." Psalm 19:1

I've been in awe of how clear and beautiful the sky has been since the rain on Saturday. 

God is good.

today

i'm at a loss for words.... i learned more about myself and about God today then i have in a while. 

more tears

i realized that there was a least one more time in the past week that i have teared up/cried.

back story: a friend of mine bought me a christmas cd and i've been listening to it almost non-stop for a week. there's this one song on there that makes me tear up almost every time.

"And with this Christmas wish is missed

the point I could convey

If only I could find the words to say to let You know

how much You've touched my life because

Here is where You're finding me

in the exact same place as New Year's Eve

And from the lack of my persistency

we're less than half as close as I wanna be

And the first time that You opened Your eyes

did You realize that You would be my Savior?

And the first breath that left Your lips

did You know that it would change this world forever?

And so this Christmas I'll compare

the things I've felt in prior years

to what this midnight made so clear

That you have come to meet me here

To look back and think that

this baby would one day save me

And hope that, that You give

That You were born so I might really live

To look back and think that

this baby would one day save me

The first time that You opened Your eyes

did You realize that You would be my Savior?

And the first breath that left Your lips

do You know that it would change this world forever?

And I, I celebrate the day that You were born to die

so I could one day pray for You to save my life

Pray for you to save my life

Pray for you to save my life"

remember to celebrate the REAL reason for Christmas this season!

miscellaneous

WOW! first of all i'm impressed that i actually spelled the word miscellaneous correctly (twice now!) without using spell check! amazing!

moving on...

first of it's been a week and one day since i've blogged. honestly that's not that long for some people. for me, it's like an eternity! i have a few excuses but here's the best one: one of my friend's was using my computer to check his email account among other things. the next day when i got on my computer to blog i wasn't logged in. i spent way too much time trying to log in and then i ran out of time. :(  i know, since then i haven't had a ton of time. i've also discovered the correct email and password that i used to sign up for blogger and i wrote it down so this will not happen again. I HOPE. 

i've been thinking a lot lately and because i haven't had the means to blog about it, it's been dangerous. i've officially decided that #1 i spend too much time thinking about what i'm going to blog about and #2 i spend too much time trying to remember information that i've carelessly forgotten.

with that, i've decided that at the end of each blog i will add a section about things that have made me cry. that may sound strange to you  but my friends will tell you that i cry a lot - mostly about God stuff so that's ok but still, it's embarrassing. it's also important to remember the things that God is doing in my life. wow, i feel as if what i've just written does not make any sense but i'm sticking with it. so with all that here's the new section that i've been thinking about for the last week and one day...

things that have made me cry this week:

(remember, it's been over a week so this may be a LONG list)

#1 i cried last thursday at CRAVE. brad was talking about the injustices in the world and what we're going to do about them. after the messege, stearns lead us in some awesome worship. the band played Hosanna by Hillsong (i LOVE that song!). I lost it! tears started streaming down my face. as i'm writing this i'm tearing up. :) 

"...I see a generation

rising up to take their place

With selfless faith

with selfless faith

I see a near revival                          (this is where i lose it everytime)

stirring as we pray and seek

We're on our knees

we're on our knees...

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity..."

#2 this one involves some back story. i'm not in the greatest of financial situations right now and about a week and a half ago my dad transfered $100 into my account. i actually told him that i didn't want the money but he did it anyway. when i found out that he transfered that money i started to ask God what he wanted me to do with the money. i didn't get an answer. fast-forward to CRAVE last week. it was the big reveal for the PEACE trips that we're taking this summer. i've been hesitating about it because of the money even thought i know that's one of the dumbest reasons for not going. in the back of my mind i was thinking that it would be cool to go to Europe (it's been on my heart since i got home from Egypt - 4 months ago). well, i didn't really think anything of it. the next day i was driving to work at, 6:45 in the morning!, utterly amazed at God's beautiful sunrise through the clouds. as i was driving this thought hit me: the deposit for the trip is $100 and my dad just gave me $100. coincidence?! i don't think so. i very clearly heard God say to me "That's what I want you to do with the money." I teared up a little.

#3 this one was friday night, i cried A LOT last weekend apparently! after work i headed over to this music/art/movie extravaganza that was at my church. you see we were raising awareness for the youth at our church to be informed about HIV/AIDS. world vision was there with this interactive experience. you go in and they give you an ipod but instead of music it's this recording of a story. there's four. each one is a true story about a child in Africa who's infected or been affected by AIDS. as i'm walking through i'm taking in the story, the pictures, everything but i'm getting frustrated with myself, i was feeling no compassion. it wasn't hitting me like i thought it would. it was even to the point where i was trying to make myself cry so i could feel. it wasn't working. i get to the end where i'm in the clinic about to find out if "i" have AIDS and even still i really didn't care but I WANTED TO! turns out this girl (me) has AIDS, even still there was no emotion. after all that the narrator tells you to step through the doors into the "church".  the church is this room filled with pictures of faces - people who have died of AIDS. all of a sudden the tears just started pouring down my face (like they're about to right now). oh those faces! i will never forget them.

as much as i get embarrassed for crying "all the time" i know that it's a gift. it's my way of expressing things. i've noticed as i've been rethinking all of these instances that even though they happened a week ago i still get a little teary now. these experiences will never leave me.