God is so F* awesome!!!!

HOLY CRAP! words cannot describe how great God is! I've been struggling with raising finances to go to Europe for a couple weeks this summer with my church recently. I keep hearing all these awesome stories about how people struggle the whole way through and at the very end an anonymous donation shows up. Well, I am officially one of those people!!!!!!! I "randomly" decided to check the PEACE website today just to check on my funds and someone anonymously donated $1500 to my account!!!! My hands are shaking so much right now. WOW! I knew God wanted to me to go on this trip but now I KNOW that God wants me to go on this trip. THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Now I just need $1000 more....

ramblings...

i just want to write i don't why. i had a thought in my head that i wanted to write about but now i can't remember. :/

God is good. i feel so much joy right now! it's been a journey to get to this place though. about a week or so ago i couldn't tell you that i believed that God is good or that i felt any joy at all in my life. i was just kind of feeling numb inside. i was listening to worship music in my car just because i thought that would help. it didn't. i was "faking it till i made it". God did show up though, he always does. He awakened my heart so slowly. i was listening to Phil Wickham in my car when all of a sudden i had this overwhelming feeling of God's love. and that's a hard one for me because this is ALWAYS something that i've struggled with. i was just so filled though! it was crazy, i don't really know how else to describe it. ever since then it's been this slow process... i get this visual picture of something frozen becoming unfrozen. for some reason though i'm afraid to grasp it to it's fullest, i always have been. it's just so hard to be different. i have this crazy idea in my head that if i act any differently towards my friends, more excited, they'll ask me why. not that that's a bad thing but i guess i feel like i'd have to keep it up so it's easier to just be unexcited about life that way there's no expectations for being the other. i don't know why my mind thinks this way, it's sick. now i just need to learn to take this joy from joy to undignified for Jesus and what he's done for me. all week this week i've been reading Hebrews and the chapters that i've been reading are all about Jesus' sacrifice for me. i mean if that's not the source of your joy i don't know where else it comes from!

joy, joy, joy... something that God's been trying to awaken in me and make me realize for the longest time. i don't want to let it go! that's the beauty of joy is that 1) the source is God, there's NOTHING that i can do to get rid of my joy 2) joy is NOT based on our circumstances! it's always there! so great!

it's funny because this joy that i have has exploded into all areas of my life too. in my work, with my friends (even though i try to hide it - crazy, i know), especially with God in my quiet times. another thing that God's been trying to teach me is that even though today isn't exactly what i thought it would be it's today and it's all i have. i can't really look to the future because it's not promised to me. i have a job to glorify God in all that i do TODAY and that's it! i try to wake up everyday and thank God for the opportunity to live one more day for him. being thankful, it's HUGE. another thing that i'm learning about. i realize and see a huge difference in my actions, my attitude towards life and everything else when i'm thankful. it's all about the little things. God is so good. i can't help it. i want to shout it at the top of my lungs for the rest of my life.

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation" Psalm 51:12a

"...our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete." 1 John 1:3-4

call to action:

God of justice

Savior to all

Came to rescue

the weak and the poor

Chose to serve

and not be served

Jesus, you have called us

Freely we've received now

Freely we will give

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

To act justly 

Everyday

Loving mercy 

In every way

Walking humbly 

Before you God

You have shown us

What you require

Freely we've received now

Freely we will give

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

Fill us up, send us out

Fill us up, send us out

Fill us up, send us out Lord

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

God of Justice.Tim Hughes

music: come thou fount.david crowder band

our Savior lives!!!

I was reading in Hebrews earlier today the most amazing and hope-filled passages i've read in a while. God is good.

And what we have said is even more clear if another priest like Melchizedek appears, one who has become a priest not on the basis of a regulation as to his ancestry but on the basis of the power of an indestructible life. For it is declared:

"You are a priest forever,

in the order of Melchizedek." (Psalm 110:4)

The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God. And it was not without an oath! Others became priests without an oath, but he became a priest with an oath when God said to him:

"The Lord has sworn

and will not change his mind:

'You are a priest forever'." (Pslam 110:4)

Because of this oath, Jesus has become the guarantor of a better covenant. Now there have been many of those priests, since death prevented them from continuing in office; but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he lives to intercede for them. Such a high priest truly meets our need - one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself. For the law appoints as high priests men in all their weakness; but the oath, which came after the law, appointed the Son, who has been made perfect forever.   Hebrews 7:15-28

my heart hurts

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I'll be the first to admit that I've been sucking at this lately and now I'm suffering the consequences. God I need you to come and heal my heart! Put the pieces back together and make my heart whole. I'm so sorry that I was so focused on a someone that I forgot about you and how much you love me. Make me whole again! In Jesus precious name AMEN!

Lord it was You who

created the heavens

Lord it was your hands 

that put the stars in their place

Even oceans and their waves

will bow at Your feet

Lord who am I compared to Your glory, O Lord

Lord who am I compared to Your majesty

I am Your beloved

Your creation

and You love me as I am

You have called me chosen

for Your kingdom

unashamed to call me Your own

I am Your beloved

music: everything glorious.david crowder band

dive into the past

well, i'm not quite there yet but i'm getting myself prepared (as much as possible) for the painful, hard, thoughtful journey that i'm headed.

you see the last few weeks God's been gently nudging me to dive into the depths of my past. i'm scared but i know that it's needed for me to be the woman that God created me to be. i need to be honest about what really happened to me and start confessing to trusted friends so "i will be healed." James 5:16 

i met with someone yesterday and it was confirmation into this journey if ever there was confirmation. i remember her telling me that every single day i carry around the burden of my past and it's starting to effect the way that i see myself and how i relate to God. not good.

here's a bit of honesty for you.... right now i'm not too thrilled with God. i don't really feel his love (even though it's all around me) and i'm bitter because i feel like he's not helping me out here on this earth. wow, that felt nice. i reread that and i think about how sick i really am. i honestly believed that i had it all together but it's starting to look like i'm more messed up then anyone i know. 

anyways, here's to confession and really starting to practice boasting in my weakness! (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

feelings

huh, i just realized that the last entry was titled thoughts. normally as a female you'd think that the feelings would come first... INTERESTING.

anyways, i went to worship last night and i didn't feel a thing. i sang but with no conviction. i closed my eyes but just to be by myself.

i've been in a state of numbness for a while now and i finally realized it, i think that's a good sign. i feel my heart awakening as i type this - PRAISE GOD! let's hope this lasts.