my heart hurts

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I'll be the first to admit that I've been sucking at this lately and now I'm suffering the consequences. God I need you to come and heal my heart! Put the pieces back together and make my heart whole. I'm so sorry that I was so focused on a someone that I forgot about you and how much you love me. Make me whole again! In Jesus precious name AMEN!

Lord it was You who

created the heavens

Lord it was your hands 

that put the stars in their place

Even oceans and their waves

will bow at Your feet

Lord who am I compared to Your glory, O Lord

Lord who am I compared to Your majesty

I am Your beloved

Your creation

and You love me as I am

You have called me chosen

for Your kingdom

unashamed to call me Your own

I am Your beloved

music: everything glorious.david crowder band

dive into the past

well, i'm not quite there yet but i'm getting myself prepared (as much as possible) for the painful, hard, thoughtful journey that i'm headed.

you see the last few weeks God's been gently nudging me to dive into the depths of my past. i'm scared but i know that it's needed for me to be the woman that God created me to be. i need to be honest about what really happened to me and start confessing to trusted friends so "i will be healed." James 5:16 

i met with someone yesterday and it was confirmation into this journey if ever there was confirmation. i remember her telling me that every single day i carry around the burden of my past and it's starting to effect the way that i see myself and how i relate to God. not good.

here's a bit of honesty for you.... right now i'm not too thrilled with God. i don't really feel his love (even though it's all around me) and i'm bitter because i feel like he's not helping me out here on this earth. wow, that felt nice. i reread that and i think about how sick i really am. i honestly believed that i had it all together but it's starting to look like i'm more messed up then anyone i know. 

anyways, here's to confession and really starting to practice boasting in my weakness! (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

feelings

huh, i just realized that the last entry was titled thoughts. normally as a female you'd think that the feelings would come first... INTERESTING.

anyways, i went to worship last night and i didn't feel a thing. i sang but with no conviction. i closed my eyes but just to be by myself.

i've been in a state of numbness for a while now and i finally realized it, i think that's a good sign. i feel my heart awakening as i type this - PRAISE GOD! let's hope this lasts.

thoughts

this could be dangerous...

i feel like God's been doing A LOT in my life lately even thought i'm not sure what it is yet. there's been a lot of God calling me to change something about myself and then me pulling it back from his hands. i think i'm getting better at letting go, i'm just not there all the way -- it's a genuine struggle. 

i don't know, i look to the future as this BIG, black hole. it's scary and dark and i'm not sure where to step. i just keep praying that God will light the way and guide me in the direction that he wants me to go. although i know the importance of action too. there's always a balance... i think that's another thing that God's trying to teach me - when is it ok to take action vs. waiting patiently on the Lord? 

there's nothing wrong with having questions like that as long as we keep focused on the Lord. i don't want doubts or big questions like that to plague me and think differently about my Savior. i'm learning more and more his promises and i'm asking him to make them a reality in my life. we shall see what that looks like.

another thing: boasting in our weakness. this is something that i need to refine. i'm weak! we're ALL weak! we just need to admit our weaknesses and embrace them because then and only then can God show his power in our lives. how can God's glory be revealed if  we're not willing to admit that we had no power over what happened? and all God wants is glory - no big deal right? our humanness wants to claim it as our own though. that's the problem. God is bigger then anything that we could ask or imagine so obviously we don't have the power to make something we can't even imagine happen! CRAZY! 

i guess im trying to wrap my puny mind around this BIG God that i serve and that will never happen this side of heaven (and i'm not sure i'll even understand him entirely in heaven either). i guess all of my questions will have to wait. all i know is that God is bigger then me and he's got everything taken care of. it's just hard to remember that in the midst of what i call chaos.

tunes: from the inside out by hillsong

skid row pt.2

My heart is sooo full I don't know what to do!

I just got home from Set Free Church in Skid Row, from the most amazing morning ever!

Set Free Church holds a women's conference every 2 months and last time I went to visit, Rhonda, the pastor's wife, asked if we would come out. Well, God is awesome and let me and 2 friends come out for the morning. When we arrived we were greeted with hugs and smiles - I was home! :) I talked to Rhonda and told her that we were there for them. 

The morning started out with worship from this amazing family from New Zealand (I think?? I can't remember anymore). After the worship, there was a time of testimonies; it's so awesome to hear how God is working in other people's lives. After the testimonies was a beautiful and powerful message of hope and a challenge to get ready for the bridegroom because He's coming! I spent the morning sitting with a sister in Christ, Tina. I met her the first time I went out to Skid Row and it was such a blessing to see her again. God is doing amazing things in her life and in her family. I can't wait to hear what else God is going to do. 

Anyways, I could write and write and write about all of the people that I've come in contact with in the 3 times that I've gone up but I don't even know how to put the stories into words. All I know is that my heart is so filled right now! God is sooo good! Going up and serving in Skid Row does something to me - it awakens my heart, it makes me want to be homeless too! All I want to do is be in community with these people all day long! This is where Jesus is and I want to be where Jesus is. 

I close my eyes and I see all of their beautiful faces. They KNOW the grace of God. They KNOW what it means to be forgiven. They KNOW Jesus and it's beautiful.

James 2:5... "Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?"

music: You Said  Darlene Zschech & Hillsong

beautiful words

wounded and forsaken

i was shattered by the fall

broken and forgotten

feeling lost and all alone

summoned by the King

into the Master's courts

lifted by the Savior

and cradled in His arms

i was carried to the table

seated where i don't belong

carried to the table

swept away by His love

and i don't see my brokenness anymore

when i'm seated at the table of the Lord

i'm carried to the table

the table of the Lord

fighting thoughts of fear

and wondering why He called my name

and i good enough to share this cup

this world has left me lame

even in my weakness

the Savior called my name

in His holy presence

i'm healed and unashamed

i'm carried to the table

seated where i don't belong

i'm carried to the table

swept away by His love

and i don't see my brokenness anymore

when i'm seated at the table of the Lord

i'm carried to the table

the table of the Lord

you carried me my God

you carried me

you carried me my God

you carried me....

these are beautiful words that are saturated in truth. sometimes God has to carry us to His table because we don't think that we're good enough. He's made us good enough!!! 

God has to fight through all the lies that the devil has us believing to bring us where we belong.

I'm so thankful that God doesn't give up and that he has the stamina of a mighty army to come and gather me up out of my brokenness and place me on firm ground.

God let me see myself like you see me.

skid row...

(not the band) ...is my home. 

i went to LA this past weekend with some people from church for an experiment of sorts. no cell phone, no money, no packing, just the clothes on our back and the stuff that was provided for us. we slept on the floor of the church on skid row and lived in community for 48 hours. when you've tasted what REAL community is supposed to be (Acts 2:42-47)  it's unpleasant to come back to life as i know it. 

while i was there in LA i met this guy. (just thinking about him makes me tear up). when i met him he was demon possessed and his heart was bitter. i talked to him for at least 2 hours and his whole demeanor was different at the end. he's been through more stuff then most people could imagine. i just keep praying the he seeks God and God reveals himself to this guy. i know that he would do amazing things for God if that was his focus. all i want to do is hold him and tell him that God loves him sooooo much! talk about my heart feeling broken!

this experience really makes me feel discontent with my life. i feel like i want to push all the walls down that are holding me in and run for my life, i just don't know in what direction. 

God what do i do with this heart that you've given me?