the journey from mediocrity to something great

alienation

2010-03-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

As I was doing my morning study in my CR Bible this jumped out at me and I wanted to share: "Denial tells us that we're getting away with our secrets. We think that no one knows - but they do. While denial may shield us from the full force of the hurt, it also prevents us from helping ourselves or the people we love the most. We don't dare to reveal our true self to others for fear of what they'll think or say if they catch a glimpse of the real us. We're convinced that we have to protect ourselves - and our secrets - at any cost. So we isolate ourselves to minimize the risk of exposure and possible rejection by others. But at what price? The eventual loss of all our important relationships."

I don't know about anyone else but I know I do this. I'm so worried about what others will think of me that I don't do the healthy thing which is share my feelings. I've seen the very dangerous place that this can lead to, depression. I've been there done that and I'm not going there again! I know that only God can help me and that's what I'm going through Celebrate Recovery right now. Wow, even admitting that is kinda scary and I guess freeing in a way. I don't want people to think that I'm messed up and am one of "those people" but you know what? I am one of those people. I am a human and I have hurts that haven't been addresses and I want to be free from that! While this journey may be a hard one I know that my God is faithful and he will guide me through to the other side of freedom and better relationships with people and I'm looking forward to that day.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.

Eve & temptation

2010-03-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Genesis 3:1-5:
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die'." "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

I was reading this passage this morning and I had an "Ah-HA!" moment. I've grown up in the church and I've heard my fair share of bible stories, this being one of them but this AM was different. I was thinking of temptation and how easy it is for the devil to tempt us but the truth is we make it easy for him. The devil couldn't tempt us as easily if we really knew God and His character.

Let's look at Eve here. She's in God's presence everyday and even still she was tempted! Why? because she really didn't understand. When God told Adam and Eve to stay away from the fruit she knew that this was "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (Gen. 2:17). So in knowing that we know that if we eat the fruit from this tree we will gain knowledge of good AND EVIL. I know I wouldn't want that responsibility. But when the serpent comes over and asks Eve about these trees she leaves out the knowledge part and also adds that God told her not to touch the tree. I think deep down in her heart of hearts that was her out clause, she was probably frightened of the serpent and was going to use that piece of information to get away. But the serpent is just that, a serpent, "crafty" as the Bible calls him. He feeds this lie to Eve about how she won't die (which is true) but the serpent knows that what will happen will be worse than death! Eve trust this one liner from this sleazy snake instead of her WHOLE existence with God! Everything she knows about God she tosses aside for the one thing she was told not to eat!

That, my friends, is the devil's sole goal - to steer us even the slightest bit away from God and what we know about Him to lead us into a life of pain. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..." John 10:10a. If we hold on to what we know about God (learned from His word or from the good things He's given us) it will be harder for the devil to tempt us. We KNOW the King of Kings who holds the whole world in His hands, don't let one sleazy, crafty serpent separate us from that great relationship.

reruns?

2009-01-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

You know that Coldplay has hit it BIG when you hear the SAME song on different radio stations within 10 minutes of each other.
I was driving to lunch, literally 5 minutes away, and Viva La Vida was on the radio. I went to get my lunch, hopped back into my car, changed the station and there was Viva La Vida AGAIN! I'm amazed...

confusion

2008-06-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

I'M SICK OF THIS!
i'm sick of myself.
i'm sick of always finding myself back in this place...

God is breaking through me but i don't like it. the devil is attacking me and it feels like i'm just letting him. i don't like that EVEN more. i hate this enemy that we have! it seems like he knows me so well and can mess with me without me even noticing.

i'm totally at a place of brokenness, where love and confusion collide. i feel God's love but then i don't. i feel like i'm faking it but then i don't. i can't do this on my own! GOD HELP ME!!! pick me up out of the miry clay and set my feet on a rock. i want a new song to sing. songs about your love and your forgiveness.

only You can save me.

CHANGE!

2008-05-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

So I went to get an oil change today... The guy who owns the shop knows my mom, but that's really besides the point. The last time I went to get my oil change I invited him to Saddleback Church's Easter service. I have no idea if he went but I invited him. Both last time and this time I've talked with him about my faith and Christians and religion and war, etc.... There was something that he said that made me so sad and reminded me that that's what the world must think. OH! I remember! It was something along the lines of "Look at history. Nothing has changed and it won't change. There's nothing that you can do to change the world." or something along that nature. I told him that I believe that it can change with LOVE.

It's strange how we got on the topic to begin with. I was reading The Irresistible Revolution and he asked me if I was reading my bible. I told him no and showed him the book I was reading. He asked me what it was about and I told him that it's about this guy who followed Jesus and it messed up his life and that's how our conversation got started.

Anyways, as I was leaving he asked me to let him know how the story ends. I'm getting him a copy of The Irresistible Revolution for him to read himself.

I love how God does that. I prayed this morning that God would rearrange my schedule and he did. I was planning on getting an oil change but I certainly wasn't planning on staying for a good half hour to talk to this guy. Thanks God.

tunes: Open Wide.Future of Forestry

quotes from tIR pt2

2008-05-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

"God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable... In my suburban comfort, I increasingly felt disturbed by God... my discomfort arose not from a cynical judgmentalism but from a longing for something more."

"The more I read the Scriptures, the more uncertain I became about my plans for the future, or even of the wisdom of making plans in the first place."

"People always want to define you by what you do. I want to be a lover of God and people... I was convinced that what we do is not really as important as who we are."

"Concern yourself with your vocation, and that is to be lovers of Jesus." - Mother Teresa

"It made sense to be single, and many of the people I had grown to admire had lived beautiful lives of singleness. And their lives would have been different had they been married (not bad, just different)."

"It was as if every good Christian should marry, and yet the more I looked at good Christians thoughout history, the less sure I was about that... Somehow I had missed the fact that singleness was a beautiful means of discipleship and that church history is filled with folks who followed God as singles - Jesus for one; many of the disciples and martyrs... What would Mother Teresa's life looked like had she been married?"

"I was attracted to God as lover. And then I began to experience God as lover, and quickly I became attracted to the Lover... Life is a romance with the divine."

"We can live without sex, but we cannot live without love, and God is love." - some Catholic monk

"I had come to see God as lover and provider and to desire a life of singleness and poverty."

"We've taken the blood at the foot of the cross and turned it into Kool-Aid." - Cornell West

"Totemism: the human tendancy to form our conception of God in our own image... take the values and traditions that we most admire about ourselves and project them onto a totem. Eventually, we stand in awe of that totem and end up worshiping an incarnation of the things we love about ourselves."

"God created us in his image, and we decided to return the favor." - George Bernard Shaw

"Buddy Jesus has become a white American resembling Mr. Rogers... I had grown very weary of this Jesus. THERE IS ANOTHER JESUS!... deconstruct the American totem, to take him (Jesus) off the totem pole we nailed him to."

"We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor. When the worlds of poverty and wealth collide, the resulting powerful fusion can change the world."

"I long for the Calcutta slums (or whatever your Calcutta slums are) to meet the Chicago suburbs (or your rich community) and for each to see God's image in the other."

"I truly believe that when the poor meet the rich, riches will have no meaning. And when the rich meet the poor, we will see poverty come to an end."

tunes: God of Justice (We Must Go).Tim Hughes

awesome quotes...

2008-05-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

...from the Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

"It's among the wealthy that we can find the most terrible poverty of all - loneliness."

"... assured me that the Gospels were not just for Mother Teresa and St. Francis, and that the Sermon on the Mount is as meaningful today as it was two thousand years ago."

"You guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too...But I guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the things we like and ignore the rest."

"Jesus never says to the poor, 'Come find the church', but he says to those of us in the church, 'Go into the world and find the poor, hungry, homeless, imprisoned...I couldn't help but wonder if we had highlighted only some of the verses in our Bibles... I saw all of the thousands of people who were becoming believers and it brought me great joy. And yet I could not help but wonder with Dorthy Day, 'Have we even begun to be Christians?'"

"...ultimatly we will be seperated into two groups of people, sheep and goats, and the criteria will be how we cared for the poor, hungry, imprisoned, naked masses... will we be with the sheep?"

rich young ruler (found in Matt. 19:16-30): "He tells this highly educated and devoutly religious young man that he lacks o ne thing: giving up everything he owns to give to the poor." The mans face sinks as he walks away. "Jesus doesn't run after the man he simply lets the man choose his wealth...The great temptation is to compromise the cost of discipleship in order to draw a large crowd. We do not want to see anyone walk away from Jesus because of the discomfort of his cross...Jesus doesn't exclude rich people; he just lets them know their rebirth will cost them everything they have."

"Rather than accumilating stuff for oneself, followers of Jesus abandon everything, trusting God alone for providence."

"...the temptation we face is to compromise the cost of discipleship, and in the process, the Christian identity can get lost."

"And yet we can end up merely cheapening the very thingwe want folks to experience."

"Jesus warns people of the cost of discipleship... their biological families, their pocessions, even their lives... Jesus allows people to walk away."

"...the cross is not always seeker sensitive. It is not comfortable. But it is the cornerstone of our faith and I fear that when we remove the cross we remove the central symbol of the nonviolence and grace of our Lover. If we remove the cross we are in danger of promoting cheap grace. Perhaphs it should make us uncomfortable. After all, it wasn't so comfy to get nailed to it."

God is so F* awesome!!!!

2008-05-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP! words cannot describe how great God is! I've been struggling with raising finances to go to Europe for a couple weeks this summer with my church recently. I keep hearing all these awesome stories about how people struggle the whole way through and at the very end an anonymous donation shows up. Well, I am officially one of those people!!!!!!! I "randomly" decided to check the PEACE website today just to check on my funds and someone anonymously donated $1500 to my account!!!! My hands are shaking so much right now. WOW! I knew God wanted to me to go on this trip but now I KNOW that God wants me to go on this trip. THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Now I just need $1000 more....

ramblings...

2008-04-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

i just want to write i don't why. i had a thought in my head that i wanted to write about but now i can't remember. :/

God is good. i feel so much joy right now! it's been a journey to get to this place though. about a week or so ago i couldn't tell you that i believed that God is good or that i felt any joy at all in my life. i was just kind of feeling numb inside. i was listening to worship music in my car just because i thought that would help. it didn't. i was "faking it till i made it". God did show up though, he always does. He awakened my heart so slowly. i was listening to Phil Wickham in my car when all of a sudden i had this overwhelming feeling of God's love. and that's a hard one for me because this is ALWAYS something that i've struggled with. i was just so filled though! it was crazy, i don't really know how else to describe it. ever since then it's been this slow process... i get this visual picture of something frozen becoming unfrozen. for some reason though i'm afraid to grasp it to it's fullest, i always have been. it's just so hard to be different. i have this crazy idea in my head that if i act any differently towards my friends, more excited, they'll ask me why. not that that's a bad thing but i guess i feel like i'd have to keep it up so it's easier to just be unexcited about life that way there's no expectations for being the other. i don't know why my mind thinks this way, it's sick. now i just need to learn to take this joy from joy to undignified for Jesus and what he's done for me. all week this week i've been reading Hebrews and the chapters that i've been reading are all about Jesus' sacrifice for me. i mean if that's not the source of your joy i don't know where else it comes from!

joy, joy, joy... something that God's been trying to awaken in me and make me realize for the longest time. i don't want to let it go! that's the beauty of joy is that 1) the source is God, there's NOTHING that i can do to get rid of my joy 2) joy is NOT based on our circumstances! it's always there! so great!

it's funny because this joy that i have has exploded into all areas of my life too. in my work, with my friends (even though i try to hide it - crazy, i know), especially with God in my quiet times. another thing that God's been trying to teach me is that even though today isn't exactly what i thought it would be it's today and it's all i have. i can't really look to the future because it's not promised to me. i have a job to glorify God in all that i do TODAY and that's it! i try to wake up everyday and thank God for the opportunity to live one more day for him. being thankful, it's HUGE. another thing that i'm learning about. i realize and see a huge difference in my actions, my attitude towards life and everything else when i'm thankful. it's all about the little things. God is so good. i can't help it. i want to shout it at the top of my lungs for the rest of my life.

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation" Psalm 51:12a

"...our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete." 1 John 1:3-4

call to action:

2008-04-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

God of justice

Savior to all

Came to rescue

the weak and the poor

Chose to serve

and not be served

Jesus, you have called us

Freely we've received now

Freely we will give

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

To act justly

Everyday

Loving mercy

In every way

Walking humbly

Before you God

You have shown us

What you require

Freely we've received now

Freely we will give

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

Fill us up, send us out

Fill us up, send us out Lord

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

Live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward

Keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

God of Justice.Tim Hughes

music: come thou fount.david crowder band

our Savior lives!!!

2008-04-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

I was reading in Hebrews earlier today the most amazing and hope-filled passages i've read in a while. God is good.

And what we have said is even more clear if another priest like Melchizedek appears, one who has become a priest not on the basis of a regulation as to his ancestry but on the basis of the power of an indestructible life. For it is declared:

"You are a priest forever,

in the order of Melchizedek." (Psalm 110:4)

The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God. And it was not without an oath! Others became priests without an oath, but he became a priest with an oath when God said to him:

"The Lord has sworn

and will not change his mind:

'You are a priest forever'." (Pslam 110:4)

Because of this oath, Jesus has become the guarantor of a better covenant. Now there have been many of those priests, since death prevented them from continuing in office; but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he lives to intercede for them. Such a high priest truly meets our need - one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself. For the law appoints as high priests men in all their weakness; but the oath, which came after the law, appointed the Son, who has been made perfect forever. Hebrews 7:15-28

my heart hurts

2008-03-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I'll be the first to admit that I've been sucking at this lately and now I'm suffering the consequences. God I need you to come and heal my heart! Put the pieces back together and make my heart whole. I'm so sorry that I was so focused on a someone that I forgot about you and how much you love me. Make me whole again! In Jesus precious name AMEN!

Lord it was You who

created the heavens

Lord it was your hands

that put the stars in their place

Even oceans and their waves

will bow at Your feet

Lord who am I compared to Your glory, O Lord

Lord who am I compared to Your majesty

I am Your beloved

Your creation

and You love me as I am

You have called me chosen

for Your kingdom

unashamed to call me Your own

I am Your beloved

music: everything glorious.david crowder band

dive into the past

2008-02-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

well, i'm not quite there yet but i'm getting myself prepared (as much as possible) for the painful, hard, thoughtful journey that i'm headed.

you see the last few weeks God's been gently nudging me to dive into the depths of my past. i'm scared but i know that it's needed for me to be the woman that God created me to be. i need to be honest about what really happened to me and start confessing to trusted friends so "i will be healed." James 5:16

i met with someone yesterday and it was confirmation into this journey if ever there was confirmation. i remember her telling me that every single day i carry around the burden of my past and it's starting to effect the way that i see myself and how i relate to God. not good.

here's a bit of honesty for you.... right now i'm not too thrilled with God. i don't really feel his love (even though it's all around me) and i'm bitter because i feel like he's not helping me out here on this earth. wow, that felt nice. i reread that and i think about how sick i really am. i honestly believed that i had it all together but it's starting to look like i'm more messed up then anyone i know.

anyways, here's to confession and really starting to practice boasting in my weakness! (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

feelings

2008-02-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

huh, i just realized that the last entry was titled thoughts. normally as a female you'd think that the feelings would come first... INTERESTING.

anyways, i went to worship last night and i didn't feel a thing. i sang but with no conviction. i closed my eyes but just to be by myself.

i've been in a state of numbness for a while now and i finally realized it, i think that's a good sign. i feel my heart awakening as i type this - PRAISE GOD! let's hope this lasts.

thoughts

2008-02-05T12:00:00.001-08:00

this could be dangerous...

i feel like God's been doing A LOT in my life lately even thought i'm not sure what it is yet. there's been a lot of God calling me to change something about myself and then me pulling it back from his hands. i think i'm getting better at letting go, i'm just not there all the way -- it's a genuine struggle.

i don't know, i look to the future as this BIG, black hole. it's scary and dark and i'm not sure where to step. i just keep praying that God will light the way and guide me in the direction that he wants me to go. although i know the importance of action too. there's always a balance... i think that's another thing that God's trying to teach me - when is it ok to take action vs. waiting patiently on the Lord?

there's nothing wrong with having questions like that as long as we keep focused on the Lord. i don't want doubts or big questions like that to plague me and think differently about my Savior. i'm learning more and more his promises and i'm asking him to make them a reality in my life. we shall see what that looks like.

another thing: boasting in our weakness. this is something that i need to refine. i'm weak! we're ALL weak! we just need to admit our weaknesses and embrace them because then and only then can God show his power in our lives. how can God's glory be revealed if we're not willing to admit that we had no power over what happened? and all God wants is glory - no big deal right? our humanness wants to claim it as our own though. that's the problem. God is bigger then anything that we could ask or imagine so obviously we don't have the power to make something we can't even imagine happen! CRAZY!

i guess im trying to wrap my puny mind around this BIG God that i serve and that will never happen this side of heaven (and i'm not sure i'll even understand him entirely in heaven either). i guess all of my questions will have to wait. all i know is that God is bigger then me and he's got everything taken care of. it's just hard to remember that in the midst of what i call chaos.

tunes: from the inside out by hillsong

skid row pt.2

2008-01-26T15:45:00.000-08:00

My heart is sooo full I don't know what to do!

I just got home from Set Free Church in Skid Row, from the most amazing morning ever!

Set Free Church holds a women's conference every 2 months and last time I went to visit, Rhonda, the pastor's wife, asked if we would come out. Well, God is awesome and let me and 2 friends come out for the morning. When we arrived we were greeted with hugs and smiles - I was home! :) I talked to Rhonda and told her that we were there for them.

The morning started out with worship from this amazing family from New Zealand (I think?? I can't remember anymore). After the worship, there was a time of testimonies; it's so awesome to hear how God is working in other people's lives. After the testimonies was a beautiful and powerful message of hope and a challenge to get ready for the bridegroom because He's coming! I spent the morning sitting with a sister in Christ, Tina. I met her the first time I went out to Skid Row and it was such a blessing to see her again. God is doing amazing things in her life and in her family. I can't wait to hear what else God is going to do.

Anyways, I could write and write and write about all of the people that I've come in contact with in the 3 times that I've gone up but I don't even know how to put the stories into words. All I know is that my heart is so filled right now! God is sooo good! Going up and serving in Skid Row does something to me - it awakens my heart, it makes me want to be homeless too! All I want to do is be in community with these people all day long! This is where Jesus is and I want to be where Jesus is.

I close my eyes and I see all of their beautiful faces. They KNOW the grace of God. They KNOW what it means to be forgiven. They KNOW Jesus and it's beautiful.

James 2:5... "Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?"

music: You Said Darlene Zschech & Hillsong

beautiful words

2008-01-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

wounded and forsaken

i was shattered by the fall

broken and forgotten

feeling lost and all alone

summoned by the King

into the Master's courts

lifted by the Savior

and cradled in His arms

i was carried to the table

seated where i don't belong

carried to the table

swept away by His love

and i don't see my brokenness anymore

when i'm seated at the table of the Lord

i'm carried to the table

the table of the Lord

fighting thoughts of fear

and wondering why He called my name

and i good enough to share this cup

this world has left me lame

even in my weakness

the Savior called my name

in His holy presence

i'm healed and unashamed

i'm carried to the table

seated where i don't belong

i'm carried to the table

swept away by His love

and i don't see my brokenness anymore

when i'm seated at the table of the Lord

i'm carried to the table

the table of the Lord

you carried me my God

you carried me

you carried me my God

you carried me....

these are beautiful words that are saturated in truth. sometimes God has to carry us to His table because we don't think that we're good enough. He's made us good enough!!!

God has to fight through all the lies that the devil has us believing to bring us where we belong.

I'm so thankful that God doesn't give up and that he has the stamina of a mighty army to come and gather me up out of my brokenness and place me on firm ground.

God let me see myself like you see me.

skid row...

2008-01-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

(not the band) ...is my home.

i went to LA this past weekend with some people from church for an experiment of sorts. no cell phone, no money, no packing, just the clothes on our back and the stuff that was provided for us. we slept on the floor of the church on skid row and lived in community for 48 hours. when you've tasted what REAL community is supposed to be (Acts 2:42-47) it's unpleasant to come back to life as i know it.

while i was there in LA i met this guy. (just thinking about him makes me tear up). when i met him he was demon possessed and his heart was bitter. i talked to him for at least 2 hours and his whole demeanor was different at the end. he's been through more stuff then most people could imagine. i just keep praying the he seeks God and God reveals himself to this guy. i know that he would do amazing things for God if that was his focus. all i want to do is hold him and tell him that God loves him sooooo much! talk about my heart feeling broken!

this experience really makes me feel discontent with my life. i feel like i want to push all the walls down that are holding me in and run for my life, i just don't know in what direction.

God what do i do with this heart that you've given me?

?

2008-01-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

i never knew so much snot could come out of a person.

my nose hurts. :(

bummed

2007-12-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

i've been planning for over a week now to go to the snow this weekend with some friends. the only problem was that i needed to come home early for a friend's wedding. turns out that there's no one who's coming back down the mountain that i can get a ride with...

no more snow for me :(

i know it's a lame thing to be upset about but i am.

3 days...

2007-12-22T13:00:00.001-08:00

Christmas is in 3 days and it still hasn't hit me yet. The last few years or so have all been the same. I don't really look forward to Christmas at all anymore. I don't want to label myself as a scrooge but that's the only word I can think of.

Here's the deal... Christmas is a family holiday. I have a family just like everyone else but it's not the family that most people would think of. It's my church family. All of those people have blood families to celebrate Christmas with and I feel alone. So this year I'm not really doing Christmas in the standard sense, I'm going out and serving instead. My dad and my brother are going up to visit my grandma and I'm thinking of visiting my mom's side of the family for a little bit. I'm a little scared though because I haven't talked to most of them in a few years (long story). This should be an interesting holiday season.

creation

2007-12-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." Psalm 19:1

I've been in awe of how clear and beautiful the sky has been since the rain on Saturday.

God is good.

today

2007-12-08T20:17:00.000-08:00

i'm at a loss for words.... i learned more about myself and about God today then i have in a while.

more tears

2007-12-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

i realized that there was a least one more time in the past week that i have teared up/cried.

back story: a friend of mine bought me a christmas cd and i've been listening to it almost non-stop for a week. there's this one song on there that makes me tear up almost every time.

"And with this Christmas wish is missed

the point I could convey

If only I could find the words to say to let You know

how much You've touched my life because

Here is where You're finding me

in the exact same place as New Year's Eve

And from the lack of my persistency

we're less than half as close as I wanna be

And the first time that You opened Your eyes

did You realize that You would be my Savior?

And the first breath that left Your lips

did You know that it would change this world forever?

And so this Christmas I'll compare

the things I've felt in prior years

to what this midnight made so clear

That you have come to meet me here

To look back and think that

this baby would one day save me

And hope that, that You give

That You were born so I might really live

To look back and think that

this baby would one day save me

The first time that You opened Your eyes

did You realize that You would be my Savior?

And the first breath that left Your lips

do You know that it would change this world forever?

And I, I celebrate the day that You were born to die

so I could one day pray for You to save my life

Pray for you to save my life

Pray for you to save my life"

remember to celebrate the REAL reason for Christmas this season!

miscellaneous

2007-12-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

WOW! first of all i'm impressed that i actually spelled the word miscellaneous correctly (twice now!) without using spell check! amazing!

moving on...

first of it's been a week and one day since i've blogged. honestly that's not that long for some people. for me, it's like an eternity! i have a few excuses but here's the best one: one of my friend's was using my computer to check his email account among other things. the next day when i got on my computer to blog i wasn't logged in. i spent way too much time trying to log in and then i ran out of time. :( i know, since then i haven't had a ton of time. i've also discovered the correct email and password that i used to sign up for blogger and i wrote it down so this will not happen again. I HOPE.

i've been thinking a lot lately and because i haven't had the means to blog about it, it's been dangerous. i've officially decided that #1 i spend too much time thinking about what i'm going to blog about and #2 i spend too much time trying to remember information that i've carelessly forgotten.

with that, i've decided that at the end of each blog i will add a section about things that have made me cry. that may sound strange to you but my friends will tell you that i cry a lot - mostly about God stuff so that's ok but still, it's embarrassing. it's also important to remember the things that God is doing in my life. wow, i feel as if what i've just written does not make any sense but i'm sticking with it. so with all that here's the new section that i've been thinking about for the last week and one day...

things that have made me cry this week:

(remember, it's been over a week so this may be a LONG list)

#1 i cried last thursday at CRAVE. brad was talking about the injustices in the world and what we're going to do about them. after the messege, stearns lead us in some awesome worship. the band played Hosanna by Hillsong (i LOVE that song!). I lost it! tears started streaming down my face. as i'm writing this i'm tearing up. :)

"...I see a generation

rising up to take their place

With selfless faith

with selfless faith

I see a near revival (this is where i lose it everytime)

stirring as we pray and seek

We're on our knees

we're on our knees...

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity..."

#2 this one involves some back story. i'm not in the greatest of financial situations right now and about a week and a half ago my dad transfered $100 into my account. i actually told him that i didn't want the money but he did it anyway. when i found out that he transfered that money i started to ask God what he wanted me to do with the money. i didn't get an answer. fast-forward to CRAVE last week. it was the big reveal for the PEACE trips that we're taking this summer. i've been hesitating about it because of the money even thought i know that's one of the dumbest reasons for not going. in the back of my mind i was thinking that it would be cool to go to Europe (it's been on my heart since i got home from Egypt - 4 months ago). well, i didn't really think anything of it. the next day i was driving to work at, 6:45 in the morning!, utterly amazed at God's beautiful sunrise through the clouds. as i was driving this thought hit me: the deposit for the trip is $100 and my dad just gave me $100. coincidence?! i don't think so. i very clearly heard God say to me "That's what I want you to do with the money." I teared up a little.

#3 this one was friday night, i cried A LOT last weekend apparently! after work i headed over to this music/art/movie extravaganza that was at my church. you see we were raising awareness for the youth at our church to be informed about HIV/AIDS. world vision was there with this interactive experience. you go in and they give you an ipod but instead of music it's this recording of a story. there's four. each one is a true story about a child in Africa who's infected or been affected by AIDS. as i'm walking through i'm taking in the story, the pictures, everything but i'm getting frustrated with myself, i was feeling no compassion. it wasn't hitting me like i thought it would. it was even to the point where i was trying to make myself cry so i could feel. it wasn't working. i get to the end where i'm in the clinic about to find out if "i" have AIDS and even still i really didn't care but I WANTED TO! turns out this girl (me) has AIDS, even still there was no emotion. after all that the narrator tells you to step through the doors into the "church". the church is this room filled with pictures of faces - people who have died of AIDS. all of a sudden the tears just started pouring down my face (like they're about to right now). oh those faces! i will never forget them.

as much as i get embarrassed for crying "all the time" i know that it's a gift. it's my way of expressing things. i've noticed as i've been rethinking all of these instances that even though they happened a week ago i still get a little teary now. these experiences will never leave me.

calling authentic Christians!

2007-11-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

"...seekers have little respect for weak Christians. Deep down they're looking for somebody -- anybody -- to step up and proclaim the truth and then to live it boldly. And I've just got to ask, why can't that be you and me? Why can't we live authentically and boldly on our job sites, in our neighborhoods, at our schools, and in our world? What are we so afraid of? What's holding us back? We have the Holy Spirit, we have the Word of God, and we have the church.

We want to be contagious Christians, don't we? Then let's be real with people. Let's manifest an authentic identity and not be more or less than God made us to be. Let's be emotionally authentic and grapple with whatever life throws at us. Let's humbly admit errors when we make them.

And let's boldly stand up for what we believe. Let's declare it and live it out, without apology." - Bill Hybles Becoming A Contagious Christian

God, grant me a spirit of power, of love and of self-disciple (2 Tim. 1:7)

ps

2007-11-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

here's a brain tickler for you...

"As you manifest your uniqueness, you'll become a compelling model that will attract others to your source of personal freedom."

also,

If you want to know the energy of God (i.e., the resurrection life of Jesus) in your mortal flesh, you must brood on the tragedy of God. Cut yourself off from prying personal interest in your own spiritual symptoms and consider bare-spirited the tragedy of God, and instantly the energy of God will be in you. "Look unto Me," pay attention to the objective source and the subjective energy will be there. We lose power if we do not concentrate on the right thing. The effect of the Cross is salvation, sanctification, healing, etc., but we are not to preach any of these, we are to preach Jesus Christ and Him crucified. The proclaiming of Jesus will do its own work. Concentrate on God's center in your preaching, and though your crowd may apparently pay no attention, they can never be the same again. If I talk my own talk, it is of no more importance to you than your talk is to me; but if I talk the truth of God, you will meet it again and so will I. We have to concentrate on the great point of spiritual energy -- the Cross, to keep in contact with that center where all the power lies, and the energy will be let loose. In holiness movements and spiritual experience meetings the concentration is apt to be put not on the Cross of Christ, but on the effects of the Cross.

The feebleness of the churches is being criticized today, and the criticism is justified. One reason for the feebleness is that there has not been this concentration of spiritual energy; we have not brooded enough on the tragedy of Calvary or on the meaning of Redemption.

- Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest (Nov. 26th)

I've read and reread this over a few times today and I'm still having a hard time comprehending it. So far, what I've gotten out of it is two-fold. One, it points me back to God's gentle reminder of salvation and joy. Two, it reminds me of Pastor Rick's message from this weekend. Point them to the Cross and to Jesus - that's it!

"dysfunctional" family?

2007-11-26T12:16:00.001-08:00

last night after church a few friends of mine decided to cook dinner together and eat like a family. it was fun. honestly, i don't know when the last time was that i had a family dinner.

contentment

2007-11-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

i looked up this word (actually content) on dictionary.com and this is what it said: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else. let's break it down...

"satisfied with what one is" - no

i'm 23 years old. i haven't graduated from college and i'm not sure when that will happen. i'm working daycare basically and i can't afford to live on my own.

"or has" - not really

i'm financially drowning.

"not wanting more or anything else" - nope

i DO want more! not like more money (well, kind of). i just want more of life!

sometimes i wish i could pick up my life and move it somewhere else. i wish i had new friends, a new job... a new life. but then i think about the reality and that "dream" quickly dies. i think about how hard it would be to pick up and move somewhere new. how hard it would be to make new friend and how i don't think that i could do it. but something's just not right here.

after all this thought i'm quickly reminded of a little verse in Hebrews.

"be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" CONVICTION!

God, what do i do?

bronchitis among other things

2007-11-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

i'm not doctor but i've diagnosed myself with bronchitis. WHY? well, because 1) i've had it before and i know the symptoms and 2) because i've been sick for A WEEK! now coughing (more like hacking my lungs out). sad day.

here's the other things.

this past weekend was a blast! here's a quick update...

FRIday: worked, worked, worked ALL DAY until about 10pm. after work my friend earl and i met up with some other friends. we were trying to decide what we were going to do so we made cookies (which i've already blogged about -- previous blog). that was a late night.

SATURday: i slept in! :) i lounged around all day (remember that i'm sick), i took a bath and i read. i didn't get up and get ready until about 5pm. my friend ashley was having a birthday celebration. i met up with some friends at BJs around 6pm and they all ate. after BJs was when the real party began! we went to pump it up. i was SO excited to go and just act like a kid for a few hours. IT WAS AMAZING!!! i almost gave myself a black eye and we had some other injuries but it was totally worth it. after pump it up a bunch of us headed back to ashley's for a little chocolate fountain, s'mores, bonfire, and movie extravaganza. i didn't get home until 3am or so.

SUNday: i woke up with the sorest throat and the stuffiest nose ever. i definitely overdid myself at pump it up the night before. but again, it was so worth it! sunday was another lazy day. i stayed in bed all day trying to rest. i got up and got ready around 5:30pm so i could get to church on time. i met up with my friend christie and after church we went to dinner. i love christie! we talked until about midnight, i had a blast! don't get me wrong, i tried being responsible with the time but it just wasn't working out in my favor. i probably didn't get to sleep until 1am and i had work the next morning. :(

over all a good weekend. i'd do (most of) it over again.

random

2007-11-17T15:17:00.000-08:00

some friends of mine made sugar cookies last night. SO FUN! it's the second time in my life that i've made sugar cookies and the first time was when i was in elementary school and i mixed up the sugar and the salt... you can guess that those cookies didn't taste very good! :)

i didn't know this about myself until last night but i enjoy making cookies but i especially like decorating them. the problem is that i'm kind of a perfectionist though so i would take me forever to decorate 50 cookies. anyways, we were up until at least 2am making and decorating cookies!

when i got home from my friend's last night i was having a little trouble falling asleep. i was thinking about how i really like sounds. i know, weird right? what i mean is this... EX: i live with a friend right now in the bedroom above the garage. i can hear when she leaves or when she comes home without even having to get out of bed. even when i was little i used to listen for the creaks in the stairs when someone was coming up. i got pretty good at figuring out who was coming up the stairs even by the different creaks that were made. it's so strange but i love it! i just love to listen and i can image what's really going on downstairs.... the door opening, footsteps, light switches, refrigerator doors opening and closing, keys, stair creaks. LOVE IT!

and here's something completely random. i was having my quiet time with God this morning and i read this quote that i really liked.

"In your own unique way you reflect the beauty, mystery, wonder, and creativity of your Maker."

it's really hard for me to comprehend this sometimes. I, me?, reflect God in my own unique way?! CRAZY! i know, i hear it all the time at church, God created each one of us differently and since He created us in His image we're all part of the character of God. but there's a HUGE difference from knowing it in my brain to actually believing it and knowing it in my heart. the Truth gets stuck on it's journey from my mind to my heart. i was gonna say i don't know why but the truth is i do know why. we have an enemy, the devil, who likes to block the truth. he's pretty good at what he does.

God, this is my prayer, the there's no blockage anymore. i want the truth, YOUR TRUTH to flow freely from my mind to my heart and back up if it needs to! AMEN!

...ps - welcome to my brain.

a couple things

2007-11-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

#1 sweet quote: "...we must do our part; we must so live the life of Christ that we transform our culture - not merely impact it."

#2 sweet bible verses: "Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with and inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:8-9

"...restore unto me the joy of my salvation." Psalm 51:12

God keeps showing my the connection between joy and salvation. You can't have one without the other.

reason why God's cool... #2

2007-11-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

i was emailing some peeps earlier today and as i was writing a song called Consuming Fire stared to play on my iTunes. i wrote the lyrics in the email that i was sending off and didn't think much of it until later. i was at CRAVE (the college ministry at Saddleback Church) and we were singing when all of a sudden the worship band starts to play Consuming Fire. God's cool.

prayer

2007-11-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

"i wish i had want i needed

to be on my own

cuz' i feel so defeated

and i'm feeling alone

and it all seems so helpless

and i have no plans

i'm a plane in the sunset

with nowhere to land

and all i see

it could never make me happy

and all my sand castles

spend their time collapsing

let me know that You hear me

let me know Your touch

let me know that You love me

let that be enough

it's my birthday tomorrow

no one here could know

i was born this thursday

22 years ago

and i feel stuck

watching history repeating

yeah, who am i?

just a kid who knows he's needy

let me know that You hear me

let me know Your touch

let me know that You love me

let that be enough" - Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot

this is my prayer...

frustration

2007-11-10T12:14:00.000-08:00

so i just spent more time then i'm willing to admit trying to add links to my blog... it only added some. LAME.

reason why God's cool... #1

2007-11-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat... Is not life more important than food..." Matthew 6:25

so God's cool. here's one reason why...

yesterday i was trying to figure out what i was going to eat for $1.75. i thought of a few places with dollar menus and decided to drive in that general direction. as i was driving i was spacing out and missed where i was supposed to turn. i kept driving and i ended up at a Wendy's. so i'm waiting in line trying to figure out what i'm going to order. i get up to the counter and decide to order a salad. the guy goes and gets my salad and hands me the bag. i ask him how much it is. he told me, "It's a gift."

i didn't have to pay! yeah, it wasn't going to cost much anyway but still! and he said it was a GIFT! who says that! God was totally watching over me, directing me to Wendy's so He could bless me a with a free salad. that's why God's cool. He says it in his word (Mt. 6:25) that He feeds the birds so He'll feed us and i've kinda been waiting for him to feed me. He did.

anyways, that may not be cool to anyone else but i know that it was God.

friends

2007-11-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

i like them.

most of the time.

i need God's help with one in particular right now.

for the condition of my own heart i need to talk to her.

i feel like she's avoiding me.

i keep praying about it and i'll continue to do so but a conversation needs to be had, SOON.

i can't be around her. i'm cynical and judgmental and i don't like it.

God help me!

sad day...

2007-11-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

i went to the ducks game tonight.

they lost....

...and hard! :(

consistency

2007-11-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

ok so i've been doing a lot of reading lately. as i was reading earlier today i stumbled upon this lovely tidbit...

"In just a few chapters this book will come to a close. One of its important messages is that you can still believe God for something dramatic and something miraculous. Bt in between dramatic revelations, what's a believer to do? The day-in, day-out fundamentals, that's what.

Prayer. A daily time in God's Word. Praise and worship. Attending church. Serving a church body. Giving. These are the fundamentals, and they'll never change. We can make all the excuses in the world for not practicing this one or that, but they represent the backbone of obedience. We often want the mystical while God often insists on the practical. We may want a constant dose of dramatics, but God enjoys seeing the perseverance and proven faithfulness of simple daily devotion. Sometimes the greatest proof of God's miraculous power is when an attention-deficit seeker of instant-gratification denies himself, takes up his cross, and follows Christ... for the long haul....

Sometimes we lay a crucial request before God, perhaps a life-and-death matter, and we want something fast and spectacular. Instead, God often directs us to keep walking around that Jericho day after day, repeating the same old fundamental steps while nothing seems to happen. Oh, it will. We must never stop believing it will. But in the meantime, we've got to keep walking and keep circling no matter how many times we've done it before and no matter how many times we're yet to do it.

G.K. Chesterson wrote of a God who "strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun, and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never gotten tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old."

Ours is a God who delights in a perfect concoction of creativity and order. Though He could have thought the entire cosmos into existence in a millisecond, instead He brought it about with great patience in six distinct increments.

Then rested on the seventh.

Then later insisted that His children do the same.

God likes order. He like repetition. A God of fundamentals, He brings up the sun every morning and the moon every evening, but His creativity within that order is gorgeously displayed in the changing sunsets and sunrises surrounding them. The same is true for us. Faithfulness in out Christian walk requires order, some black-and-white fundamentals, but within that order is glorious room for color and creativity.

I have lived to much of my life in defeat to risk living in the gray zone. A long time ago I had to quit giving myself the option of whether or not to rise for prayer, spend time in the Word that day, or attend and serve my church consistently. These fundamentals are part of my life. They are His will, and to do otherwise -- no matter how I'd label it -- is disobedience.

Within those fundamentals God gives me lots of leash to exercise my need for passion and drama. Though my morning almost always begins at the same table and chairs, it might end out in the yard under the morning stars or, better yet, on a walk. On a rare Saturday at home, I may have prayer time still tucked in my soft bed. Other times the beach is the perfect place, I take that back. Keep the beach and give me the mountains. My point is: I get up daily with the morning, but the sunrise surrounding my time with God could be any number of colors. Sometimes I jump up and down; sometimes I bow down, and sometimes I go prostrate to the ground. Sometimes I pray Scripture. Other times I pray moans and groans. But pray, I must. It's God's will even when I can't tell if it's changing a thing.

Though I may practice these disciplines in various ways, I do them virtually every day. Why? Because God seems to like them. Picture God nudging you and me awake before down because He can hardly wait to be with us. Then as we make our sleepy way to the usual meeting place, imagine Him saying something rather like Chesterson suggested. "Do it again, Child!"

Sometimes I feel like the phrases I habitually use in prayer and the topics I'm most burdened to teach are surely getting old to God. In reality, as long as He sees a genuine heart, He never gets tired of the same old words and practices the flow from it. "Say it again, Child! One more time!" God's mercies have existed through all of eternity, yet Scripture tells us they are new every morning. You see, a new day with all its fresh challenges gives an old practice new life.

Day-in and day-out, the fundamentals are the way I march repeatedly around my Jerichos.

Unlike Joshua and the Israelites, I never know when my present Jericho is going to fall. I just know that I'm to keep believing and keep marching. When the time is complete, the wall is going to collapse. When the Israelites marched around Jericho, their seventh trip around on the seventh day could not have seemed any different from the rest, with the exception that they were wearier. Why did God purpose for the wall to fall that particular round? Simply because it was time.

Beloved, God is not tired. Nor is God tired of you. He delights in your attentions even when you practice them much like you did yesterday. He waits for you to awaken, and he anticipates His time with you. When you or I ignore Him, He is disappointed. Somehow in His self-existent essence and omniscience, His foreknowledge does not cheat Him of reactive emotion. He laughs when you delight in Him. He listens when you speak to Him. he honors you when you persevere with Him. In all the changes He is making within you and me, He rejoices in the few things that call for blessed sameness.

Let's stay faithful, you and I. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Gal. 6:9)"

it makes me think a lot differently about my quiet time. it also makes me think back to something that i heard a few weeks ago... sometimes we just need to do "it" (spend time reading the Word, worshiping, serving) out of obedience. it's our faith that is growing even if we're not getting anything out of it.

#1

2007-10-31T10:59:00.000-07:00

so i thought i'd try something new... a blog.

it's been a while.

we'll see how long this lasts.